Friday, October 30, 2009
I have been contemplating a life-changing move back to California, my home state. Countless hours have been spent in prayer about this for awhile now. I am missing my folks; time is more precious now that there is less of it. And there is a special little six year old girl who tugs at my heart. She has been a very late talker and every word she says is precious to hear. When kids with special needs reach milestones it seems to mean so much more. She and her Grandpa have a standing date for ice-cream most days after school.
I know she loves me; I know because her face lights up when she sees me, but she hasn't hugged me yet, and that breaks my heart. She did cling to my legs once, so I think she knows that I am safe, and I belong to the clan. I know that if I were there more she would see me less as a visitor and more like family; always I carry around like a weight the moments that I am missing with her.
My good sense tells me it is craziness, lunacy. Leaving a good job with benefits is not something you do lightly in these times.....My home state is bankrupt, among other things. Also, as the media keeps telling me THERE ARE NO JOBS. But it is home to me just the same; just as Arizona has become to me now.
But God is not bankrupt, He owns the cattle on a thousand hills. Is there anything too difficult for Him? God loves impossible situations. By what I read in the Bible, He seems to revel in them. So the question is, "How BIG is my God?" If He wants me there He will work it out. End of story.
As I was driving to work thinking about all these things and feeling sad that I wouldn't see Lauryn in her costume again this year, this verse came up on the CD player. Once again I was blind-sided by just the right scripture at just the right time. It reached my ears and then my eyes with tears as I pictured Paul writing this from his prison cell.
I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. Ephesians 3:16-21
Lately I find I am alternating between two states of being. Like the Israelites after passover, I am ready to bolt, bags packed, walking stick by the door. Watching for the shadow at the door. Other times I am content to burrow in like a sand crab. Life like that sometimes and it's okay.