(Re)acknowleging my Desperation

Today, Lord I acknowledge my desperate state before you. Anything less means I am walking around in a state of delusion. When things are going well, it is so easy for me to think I have things under control. That I don't need you quite as bad as when circumstances are:

unpleasant, painful, spiraling out of control.............But the truth is, I need you just as much and in just the same measure every single day.

Sometimes I act like a person holding up a golf club in the middle of a lightning storm. I flirt with the world, I skate on the edge, I get too close to swinging the doors wide open that should remain closed.

And I shouldn't. Forgive me, precious Lord. Thank you for remembering my dust. Help me to never take advantage of your good grace. I acknowledge again that though you are completely Holy, you are not waiting up there to strike me down when I fail, but waiting with an arms open kind of love.

And forgive me for asking you once again to deliver me from things you have already set me free from. Sometimes I have amnesia. You are infinite Love. I remember again and again the great length you went to save me.

All the way from Heaven to earth.

Goin back to the foot of the cross today.

The Big Ticket

As we approach the ticket counter to US airways I am staggered at the amount of people in line. There are always a lot of people at the airport here in Phoenix since it is an international hub, but this......this is crazy. The line was so long they had to split it up into two groups, parted like the red sea.

They were all wearing the same expressions of worry and anxiety, and now so was I. It dawned on us that this must be because of diverted flights due to Hurricane Sandy. Everyone was orderly and somewhat calm. TSA has effectively whipped us huddled masses into submission like recaltritant children. I looked at them all, jostling kids, bags, nerves, and me right among them.

When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. Matthew 9:36


I still had time, but would it be enough? We went out to curbside and there was a line but not nearly as bad. I bantered with two ladies going back home to Toronto about our general complaints of the airlines. How they are charging for every little thing.

I punched my confirmation number in the little space on the screen and my ticket was spit out the bottom. I clutched it as any apprehensive flyer does. It had my name on it, a little bit of peaceful assurance in a scrap of paper. My seat was 9F.

Upstairs it was more of the same. Everywhere, people scrambling to get home or leave home.The line was four deep going through security. I passed the Canadian ladies again. One of them asked, "How did you get ahead of us?" And we laughed.

I reached for the bin, filling it up with everything I could take off.....scarf, shoes, belt, metal jewelry, sweater. I was motioned into the infamous TSA scanner......Arms up and hold please. The evil scanner. Will I ever get used to this?

Put my heart under Your scanner Lord. Tell me what I am doing wrong....... "Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts" Psalm 139:23

I thought of how at first, I had refused to fly. On justifiable grounds of gross invasion of privacy. Just the topic would sent me into a fit and quoting the first amendment. And now I just go through like everyone else. Just one of the cattle.

I clutch my ticket, make all my calls, and settle in for the boarding announcement. I think of myself, one who dreams often of being in the wrong place, or late, or being six months behind for a class and realizing I have not turned in one assignment. Its always so important for me to be in the right place at the right time.

I scan my boarding pass for the 5th or sixth time, noting the boarding time, the zone number.

I think about that other ticket, to that most important of places. The ticket I clutch even more tightly as the years go by, my Bible. The Words of God. That's one trip I want to be prepared for more than any other. The Holy Spirit is my deposit. I lean back in the seat and breathe deep. Thankful.

I won't be late because it's all in His timing.

".......and he has identified us as his own by placing the Holy Spirit in our hearts as the first installment that guarantees everything he has promised us." 2 Corinthians 1:22

Alzheimer's Diary.....A continuing lesson in love

And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Colossians 3:14

I have probably tacked this verse onto the beginning of posts more often this year than any other. Have you put on your love today? This past year, I have had to start over time after time, day after day. As most of you know who read my blog on a regular basis, we are working on year two of Elaine's Mom living with us.

It's been tough, to say the least. Hygiene is an ongoing issue more and more. We are working on week 4 with no shower, again. The last time, Elaine had to physically get in the shower with her because she refused to put water on her head. And she was washing with shampoo. Incontinence is also a problem. She refuses to wear the undergarments so bedding has to be changed often....laundry done several times a day.

Because she has been increasingly combative, her dose of Anti-psych drug was doubled just this past week. We noticed the rage has been just barely contained....it's always just under the surface. The pacing and the agitation seem to go hand in hand.

It is disheartening and sobering for Elaine to realize that right now if her Mom were not on the Seroquel she would be in a lock down unit as we speak. Her Mom still knows very well where she is, but when her Doctor tells her that if she won't let people take care of her she has to go somewhere where they can, he is met with indifference, a shrug of her shoulders.

It has been a constant challenge for both of us to do that "putting on love" thing Paul is talking about. And I am on another trip to California to see my family on Sunday. It's hard to be the one always left behind. For two years, she has had to watch others travel, go on weekend trips, vacations. That is what caretakers face every day.......for them life has stopped. They feel just as chained as if they were in stocks.

And how can life still feel like it's at a standstill, when the workload never stops?

Please pray? For wisdom, and strength to bear up. To keep laughing somehow. To know when to say "when."

Pray for strength and grace for me as well. That I can be the right kind of support. Too often I feel like the check marks on my own personal report card are screaming out a big red "fail." But God knows my heart, thankfully.

I take comfort in the fact that He hears my prayers of forgiveness uttered after every exasperated blown out sigh......He knows we are all dust after all, nevertheless a kernel of God keeps us all preserved for eternity.

Praise God.

And more and more and more, we are craving the peace, the harmony that used to fill the house. We still have it for the most part, we just have to fight for it where before it was effortless.

Here is the magic formula that works for any and every situation:

Love + Peace = Harmony

I will need until every last breath to put it into practice.

When you feel de-valued

She heard the questions she has heard so many times before falling around her, and her own hollow answers bounce back against the walls.....the ones they wanted to hear. As she walked out, the real answers thundered around inside her head. Just once she wanted to give the real answers, not the ones pertaining to the company.

What grade are you?

What am I meat? If I were tuna I would be dolphin safe 100 percent albacore fillet baby!  USDA grade triple A. I am all but signed sealed delivered to Heaven, the fact that I am not there yet, means I am still breathing. God proved it with His mark of the Holy Spirit. I am a little lower than the angels, that's how the Bible describes me......that's what grade I am. Take that.

Do you have any aspirations of higher learning?

What kind of question is that? Of course I do. I hope and pray that I am learning a little bit more each day I am on this earth as God in His great mercy grants me the time. I would spend everyday in a classroom if I could, but I really do need to pay bills. I believe in improving myself and my mind because God gave it to me to use, not to waste. I would go to writing classes, music history classes, and religion classes everyday if I could and be a professional student.....I have motivation and I look forward to getting up in the morning , I am not a slothful unmotivated person when it comes to learning, despite what my resume says.

The truth is, there is something not right about this 'ol world system and we all know it. It is broken. Many times the workplace pits us one against another, and there must be a system of measurement used to set us apart. Too many times, this system makes us feel de-valued as people.

As as result, we walk out of meetings feeling two feet tall. But here is the truth.......God numbers every hair on our head.

"Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows. Luke 12:7

And even though we are living in a dark world, we are heading into a world of light, where God is king........"for you were formerly darkness, but now you are Light in the Lord; walk as children of Light" Ephesians 5:8

This ol world is groaning under the weight of sin and the curse and that snake still slithers in the grass though he knows his time is short.

We are all a spark of divine fixed with an eternal destiny....all of us a combo plate of heaven and hell.  

As I stood at the counter this morning, it felt good to say "No meat" for my breakfast sandwich. Though I know that meat is permitted and God has called it all good, I also know that in the beginning, animals were meant for companionship and not food.  

Way back when, when God presented them to Adam and he named each one. I like to think he put his hands on each of their heads when He did it.

 "And the Lord God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.” Out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the air, and brought them to Adam to see what he would call them. And whatever Adam called each living creature, that was its name." Genesis 2:18,19

And God called it all good. And it still is.

The most important thing I may never tell you

To everyone I care about and even those I don't know or love:

I want you to go. To Heaven that is. And no matter what you may have been taught or believe. It exists........and believe me, you will very much want to go there. You will not come back here again as something else, this is your one chance.

Behind every moment eternity rests. Eternity awaits.......

I am telling you this because I care. And as I was praying this morning, and thanking God for the assurance that I am going there, as will most of the people I love, I thought of you. And I knew that right now if something happened, you wouldn't.

And more than anything else? I want you to understand that it is not for anything I have done that I go to that wonderful place, that place of unapproachable light, but only for what Jesus did.

For me.....For you.

And that other place? You really don't want to go there. No comfort from friends waits for you there. There is only the absence of everything good, everything you ever loved. And forever is a very long time to gamble on. I hate writing this......hate to think that people are dying right now and will miss out on something eternally good, because no one told them.

Because they ignored the voice that spoke in the quiet.

Day after day.

Because they never got a letter like this.

Please know, that it doesn't have to be. You have an incredible opportunity to be with the God who created you for all eternity. He wants you with Him.......

And no, we won't be floating around on clouds playing harps. It will be as real a place as you can possible imagine. In fact, the Bible says we don't even have the capacity to know just how good it will be, only that it will exceed our wildest imaginations.

That light that you see every morning and every evening? Those planets? Those were set there just so. As reminders of where we come from and where we are going back to someday.

And it may be very soon. The tragedy is that you will never see this letter. It will most likely remain right here, because you see, I don't want to offend you. The truth is, I would rather see you go to hell than offend you, because I really like you......

I just don't love you enough.

 

Lord, our Lord,
how majestic is your name in all the earth!

You have set your glory
in the heavens.

Through the praise of children and infants
you have established a stronghold against your enemies,
to silence the foe and the avenger.

 

When I consider your heavens,
the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
which you have set in place,
what is mankind that you are mindful of them,
human beings that you care for them?

You have made them a little lower than the angels
and crowned them with glory and honor.

You made them rulers over the works of your hands;
you put everything under their feet:
all flocks and herds,
and the animals of the wild,
the birds in the sky,
and the fish in the sea,
all that swim the paths of the seas.

Lord, our Lord,
how majestic is your name in all the earth!

 

Psalm 8, proof that He loves you.

 

Still counting the gifts, every day, every Monday too......

 

Change a comin......

The relentless heat has tired us all out, even the birds. The desert is waiting for change, waiting to be relieved from the oppressive grip of summer which will surely come, it always does. Just not when we're ready. In the desert, you live by its rules, not your own. But there are ever so slight whispers of it nonetheless.

This morning I sat outside and there was a breeze and it was bearable. Enjoyable. I sat there thanking the Lord for moments of peace and time off after a challenging work week. The garden yielded a beautiful watermelon yesterday. When I think that this patch of green was a patch of dirt not too long ago, I think of what God does with our lives, that is when we let Him.

Elaine is off to Texas for a few days for a cherished and much anticipated visit with her Aunt Billie Ruth and her cousin Sandra. Billie Ruth is 88 years young, still active doing tours for local historical buildings and spending hours in the library doing genealogy research for others.

I have been alone with Elaine's Mom and it has been interesting. She keeps asking where Elaine is, and I keep giving the same answer. We are both learning steps to a new dance, neither one is us sure of the steps. But so far, so good. The hygiene issue is ongoing though, and I never thought I would be thankful for the absence of the sense of smell, but at times like this it does come in handy.

Work is stressful right now, and though I have a few days off now, work looms large on Thursday. The biggest challenge? How can I glorify the Lord in a place where I am fearful and anxious?

I feel it sapping my emotional, mental, and creative strength, nipping at my heels even when I am not there. And even though I am so very thankful for this time off that replenishes, Thursday feels like a steamroller and each day brings me closer to its flattening shadow.

Yet, when I think of all that the Lord has brought me through there from my very first day until now, and how He has been with me with every step, it humbles me greatly.

This will be my seventeenth year there, and while there have been countless anxiety ridden moments and nights where I have tossed and turned with worry, there have also been countless victories, and God has brought me some wonderful friends I would never have met otherwise. Friends who I know will be with me for life.

All along, each worry and fear has been calmed and tempered by His gracious Spirit who has been with me every moment, and with me still. Somehow He always keeps the wave from engulfing me totally and until such time as I am able to walk out the door for good, I want to be faithful with what He has given me.

The only possible way is by leaning on Him. Totally.

And to keep a count of all the good, and there is much that is..........cool morning breezes, whispers of rain that hit my window, fresh melon from the garden, Elaine being able to make this trip, that my niece loves her new school, a wonderful Birthday, telephone conversations with friends and family that always lift spirits, fresh batch of books via Amazon, His daily grace raining down even when I don't deserve it, words that somehow come together, time off........always grateful for that. #922-932

A bus filled with blessing

They are like trees planted along the riverbank, bearing fruit each season. Their leaves never wither, and they prosper in all they do. Psalm 1:3

She had almost forgotten about the application she had filled out for the bus driving position......almost but not quite. She was sitting by the computer when the phone lit up with an incoming call. The phone is turned all the way down so her Mom won't run and answer it. In the past she had agreed to things over the phone "Oh, yes, you can come and service the air conditioner...." It has happened before.

It was the Apache Junction school district calling. She couldn't believe her ears when he said, "How soon can you come in and see us?" For years, every now and then we would pass a bus and I would hear her say, "I would love to do that."

For the past year and a half, her Mom has been her full time job, and it has been hard, especially for someone who has worked all their life.

So she went, and of course they loved her. Especially when they found out about her driving experience. They wanted her so badly they even pulled strings to get her in the August session of training.

And the schedule is such that she can come home between routes to check on her Mom........and, it's only just around the corner!

"This," she said, "Is the first job that I have felt in a long time that is from God."

I have waited for this, I have prayed for this.....for my dear friend who lives her whole life for others.

Whose hands are still partially numb from her last project for someone else.

Last night we sat at a restaurant as pictures came through my phone......there were two completed Mr. Potato heads, one my brother did and one my niece did. I smiled as I read the texts. "Sometimes, you just have to take time out to play Mr. Potato head with your girl," he says.

As I scroll through, the phone rings in my hand and it's my Mom.

"I was just having a glass of wine and thinking of you," she said. "I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing," she said, and she laughed. "Well," I said, "I happen to think it's a good thing, since I am having one too." And we laughed together and she told me about her day. And I told her about Elaine's new job.....

She whooped and hollered over the phone........."Oh, that is so great! She is just right for that job."

Later I get a text from my brother. My Mom must have told him....."CONGRATULATIONS to Elaine, Wooooooohooooooo. Bus driver for kids? Perfect. I am so happy."

This, I think, is what it's all about.

Rejoicing with those who rejoice. And I think of what a cornucopia is life. Some days so full of hardship you just want to sit in a corner and never come out, and then, blessings so rich that all you can do is lift your hands skyward.

Praise God from who all blessings flow.

In the Refiner's Fire

"I indeed baptize you with water unto repentance, but He who is coming after me is mightier than I, whose sandals I am not worthy to carry. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire. His winnowing fan is in His hand, and He will thoroughly clean out His threshing floor, and gather His wheat into the barn; but He will burn up the chaff with unquenchable fire." Matthew 3:11,12

Thank you Lord, for my devotion time this morning. Thank you for Your Loving Presence today. Your Spirit holds my sins up to the light exposing them for what they are, so that I can confess them before you honestly and draw near to you once again.

Thank you for knowing the real me and loving me anyway.  Sometimes I don't know how your Spirit, your Holy and perfect Spirit can tolerate living with mine, still so filled with the world and all its griefs, cares and worries.

Help my fears diminish, Lord, so I can be filled with your perfect love that your peace may take its rightful place in my heart.

And help me to see the small trials I go through in this life as Your refiner's fire of love burning away all my impurities. In all the things we could ever hope to accomplish in this life, there is only this one thing that counts.

That we know you

and in knowing you, we find our true purpose in this life.

I lift the gifts to you today Lord, in gratitude of all you give and keep giving.........The wonderful rain that poured down in this dry desert.......worship that comes in little spontaneous moments throughout the day.......a little extra money this month.......God's continued protection when I don't even know it......melons and okra sprouting like wildfire in the garden........a good day yesterday.......seeing old friends again.......music that upliftts and burns hot in the soul in praise to God......answered prayer for a first day of school......a good walk this morning......911-921

And the thunder rolled......

"Thus says the Lord......Stand by the ways and see and ask for the ancient paths, where the good way is, and walk in it; and you shall find rest for your souls. But they said, 'We will not walk in it.' Jeremiah 6:16

As I read the words of Jeremiah this morning, reflecting on the wrath of God poured out on a disobediant people, I felt a chill crawl up my spine. Jeremiah had the unpleasant task to be the mouthpiece of God to Israel.

"My soul, my soul! I am in anguish! Oh, my heart! My heart is pounding within me. Because you have heard, O my soul, the sound of the trumpet, the alarm of war!"

Just then, as if ordered by God himself to put a little emphasis on His own words there was a terrible clap of thunder and I almost jumped out of my seat! The anger of God is something I never want to experience personally.

It is easy to feel a little "puffed up" as the Apostle Paul put it, when we read about all those rebellious things the Israelites did, how they strayed from God to worship foreign idols, statues that could neither talk walk or breathe.

How could they, we wonder? After God himself came down in a visual form.....a pillar of fire by night and a cloud by day? After all He had done for them? And all along, there is a loving Father who wants His people back. He longs to love and cherish them and yet they push Him away.

There was another loud clap and in my mind I remembered all those times when I myself have push God away, thinking I knew better....thinking the plan I had for myself was better than the one He had for me. And yet, His mercy and love have pulled me back, over and over again. Not once has He ever refused me.

Oh how He loves us.......His mercy calls us back, new every morning.

As with all things of nature, it thrilled me no end, that clear and powerful reminder. It reminded me this morning who is in control, and it is most definitely not me.

To watch a lightning storm is to watch the finger of God touching down on the earth, and to hear His voice in the thunder a gift, a marvelous thing.

His power, my weakness.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

I was driving down the freeway when it hit. I felt that familiar feeling........the shallow breathing, the knot of tears forming in my throat. They come sometimes without warning. It started as an ordinary task in an ordinary day. I was following Elaine because she was taking her car in.

I held it at bay, at arms length, because I have to get stuff done. I think it's just life piling up sometimes, and it has to come out somewhere, sometime. I am no stranger to this feeling. It has always been with me.

One of the very first times I can remember was when I caved during a Christmas play at church.

I had one line, I don't even remember what it was. Because all of a sudden all I wanted to do was get off that stage......I strained my eyes through the bright lights and all I wanted was to find my parents. And then I did.

The road blurred through tears. I breathed little puffs of air. I turned off the freeway and onto the street. Off to my right was man on the sidewalk wearing flip-flops, a Hawaiian shirt and shorts....and a guitar strapped around his shoulder. He was carrying on a very animated conversation, with himself.

Laughter bubbled up through the tears a little hysterically, I thought........"I hope that's not gonna be me someday soon."


Then I thought of my childhood friend Mary. Mary of the big blue eyes and wonderful reading voice.


It was always either her or me the teachers chose for reading out loud. I still remember her singing a solo in a school fashion show, she sang "After the Ball" in a blue dress. I don't know what happened with Mary but many years later my folks told me she would skate down the street in a full hockey uniform, helmet and all. She never played hockey a day in her life.


She died recently at my age, only 53. She had a daughter and I would love to see her.  I wonder if she had Mary's eyes, and liked to read. I hope she will be okay.


Don't we all dance a bit close to the border of crazy at times? I think you kind of have to, to live this life we all live.

As I caught sight of Elaine's jeep through the maze of cars, right in the midst of my panic I thought......."Thank you Lord." Because all my life I have never had to go through this feeling alone, and some people have.

And this wonderful friend has been with me through so much. And I will tell her about this, and she will say, "Well, maybe you are a little bit crazy, but I understand, and everything is gonna be fine."

Because after all, God has us. He really does. 

Everyday Miracles

By your words I can see where I'm going, they throw a beam of light on my dark path. I've committed myself and I'll never turn back from living by your righteous order. Everything's falling apart on me, God, put me together again with your Word.......Psalm 119:105-107 The Message

I went out to pray at first light.......my coffee and communion, I call it. My favorite part of the day. But I felt somewhat flat, like someone blew out my insides with a straw. But I was okay with that. I have learned not to trust how I feel so much, but to trust God instead. So I waited in the quiet.

Sometimes, in order to get the miracle, you have to go through the obedience part first. It's kind of like exercise really. I know the more I think about it, the less likely I will do it. But I have an expectation that when I go out, put on the shoes, turn up my Ipod, start walking, I will feel better.

So, still feeling a bit hollow, I did just that. I cranked up the music and felt the air push through my lungs. My feet picked up the pace, hearing the words Casting Crowns were singing....."Jesus can you show me just how far the east is from the west, cause I can't bear to see the man I've been, keep rising up in me again......in the arms of your mercy I find rest.

And I thought of miracles, and how God has been with me through it all, been with my family, my friends. I can talk of miracles, all right.....and big ones. Like when my Dad was in a prayer meeting and the Holy Spirit wouldn't let him rest until he went home, and that's when the phone rang and he got the terrible awful news......

And another time, when my Mom and Dad were in prayer for my sister-in-law who was dying of cancer, praying on their knees in the bedroom, when a snow white dove came to rest on the window sill and it never left, the whole time they were praying. They never saw it again. And she has been with Jesus 14 years now.

And as I pick up my pace even more. I feel it. The miracle.......life pumping into my heart, my soul. The Spirit leaping joy within me as I hear Chris Tomlin sing about how water was turned into wine and He opened the eyes of the blind. And right then, He was opening my eyes too. Faster, and faster I walked, and now ran a bit too.

Our God is greater our God is stronger, God you are higher than any other......There's no one like You......None like You.

The daily miracle is this, that every day He opens our blind eyes.

The Spirit was bursting joy inside me now.

And then Francesca Battistelli sang......Savior I come, quiet my soul.....remember. Your blood was spilled for my ransom, everything I once held dear, I count it all as loss....Lead me to the Cross where your love poured out. This is it. The everyday miracle that is ours as believers.

I looked up to see a dove with a branch in her mouth and I thought of Noah, waiting for land. This is our inheritance, our history. This right to expect from God is ours every day and that is a miracle in itself!

By the time my walk was over, I didn't want it to end, so I walked a bit further and thought again of my former Pastor and what he used to say. It's Jesus plus nothing.

Jesus plus nothing. That is the pure and simple truth. He is everything and in all and through all. I listened as the next song came on. Don't know how it is you looked at me, and saw the person that I could be.....awakening my heart, breaking through the dark, suddenly Your grace......

Like sunlight burning at midnight, making my life something so beautiful beautiful, mercy reaching to save me.....And as I finished my walk, run.....I was filled to the brim in the knowledge that Jesus is indeed, everything.

He is my Lord, my God, my husband, me being part of the church, my savior, my friend, my all in all. Everything starts and ends with Him.

And it's all an everyday miracle. Please join me and some special friends, Ann and Duane on their sites to celebrate our faith and count His blessings on a Monday.

Walking and praying with God in the morning, a new job opportunity for Elaine's nephew and family, being revived in the Spirit, a new garden springing to life, fresh tomatoes on the counter, communion with the Saints yesterday, the joy of seeing life spring from Your word, staying sane, (just barely) dealing someone on a daily basis with a mental illness, projects that keep hands busy and mind neutral, a few days off after a tough week, and last but not least.

I am thankful today for those who continue to risk their lives for our Freedoms which we hold so dear. Keep them safe in Your hands, Lord. #911-921



Songs I listened to today:

Francesca Battistelli: Lead me to the cross, Beautiful Beautiful
Casting Crowns: East to West
Chris Tomlin: Our God
Matt Redman: You Never Let Go

Joy in the Morning

Your mercy, O Lord, is in the heavens;
Your faithfulness reaches to the clouds.

Your righteousness is like the great mountains;
Your judgments are a great deep;

O Lord, You preserve man and beast.

How precious is Your lovingkindness, O God!

Therefore the children of men put their trust under the shadow of Your wings.
They are abundantly satisfied with the fullness of Your house,
And You give them drink from the river of Your pleasures.

For with You is the fountain of life;
In Your light we see light.

Psalm 36:5-9

Morning Prayer

But Stephen, full of the Holy Spirit, looked up to heaven and saw the glory of God, and Jesus standing at the right hand of God. “Look,” he said, “I see heaven open  and the Son of Man standing at the right hand of God.” Acts 7:55,56

From my prayer journal:

Lord, how I love my time with you. Sometimes I sit out here and I feel only myself, all my thoughts, rattling around in my head in knots of confusion. My fears jangling, the world's emptiness weighing down my soul. Its hard to see you then, but I know it's all okay. I know you're still there. It's the trust you need to build in me, and the trust I need to see in myself.

And without those times of trust and patient waiting, despite how I feel........the sweetness of this fellowship wouldn't be nearly as sweet, the joy not as complete. What a reward when you meet me!

How I love to sit at your feet and dream of how it's going to be that day when finally we meet face to face. It occurs to me that maybe this enjoyment, this sweetness is all an allusion. Maybe I just don't know any better---like if I realized just how Holy you really were, are.....I could never be here like this. Then I remember what you did to make this all possible.

I remember the cross.

And I imagine what Stephen saw when He saw the Heaven opened as he was being stoned to death. Or rather, stoned to life. I think of the joy I'll feel when I look at you. My first response will be to fall at your feet in reverence, even fear. Overwhelmed by your Presence......your beauty.

Then I will hear that voice of many waters. The one I have imagined ever since I met you. I will hear the love pouring out, unbelievable love for me. And what wonder, what unbelievable rapture when I lift my head expecting judgment, yet seeing more love in your eyes that I ever knew was possible.

"The one thing I ask of the LORD--the thing I seek most--is to live in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, delighting in the LORD's perfections and meditating in his Temple." Psalm 27:4

Multitudes on Monday

The LORD will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength. You will be like a well-watered garden, like an ever-flowing spring. Isaiah 58:11

This morning I slept in until 7. I must have needed it. It has been a touch two weeks......And it's amazing what I can do with an extra hour. I pray and collect my thoughts, read some verses, reflect on the day before and hope that something wonderful and inspirational flows out through the keyboard despite me.

 

It is important to create a space of quiet before the clatter of the day........before everything starts. But today I slept away that extra hour. Now I have a cat that is resting on my arm as I type. He is usually settled at the foot of my bed by now. Right before he came in, he rushed in through the cat door meowing loudly....that was my signal to check the catboxes. Elaine had just cleaned them 5 minutes before. I stepped out to poop on the rug. I cleaned that up and settled once again in front of the keyboard.

 

 

Then Elaine's Mom got up. She got her first halfcup of coffee. She has a routine. It goes something like this. She pours a cup (which is already warm) she scalds it in microwave then has to cool it down. I hear tap go on and half of the cup goes down the sink. She pours more coffee in because now it is not hot enough.

 

 

Peace be still.......The irritation that rises up is tempered by His grace. I feel it like a cloak that wraps around me. That is a big reason to give thanks.

 

 

This whole routine is repeated sometimes 2-3 times.

 

 

I hear the cat again out in the kitty box room. I go out and he has pooped on the rug again, he must have got inturrupted the first time, because he is still out there. That's when I startle him and he kicks poop over the threshold. I clean it up for the second time. You have to understand, this is my cat's only fault, he is perfect other than that. I love him dearly so it doesn't bother me to clean it up.

 

 

I don't remember where I was going with this post, but I do remember that it is Monday and that is a day to count my thanks. And I am thankful, because despite everything going on around me, there is a peace. I can still hear the praise of the church body from yesterday.........I still feel it, He is near. The peace that passes all understanding. Once again, I experience the miraculous power that is an everyday part of a believer's life.

 

 

Peace be still. So I count my blessings that continue to flow........A Mom and Dad that love what I do, and tell me so. A God who loves us and brings us through......friends who support with their prayers.......One more summer out of this air-conditioner, already it is past due being replaced......Little big moments of laughter in the midst of craziness.......Sanity despite insane circumstances......A best friend to worship with, pray with, share life with.......Fresh tomatoes starting to produce, and okra and watermelon reaching for the sky.......Godly teaching from a Pastor who is not afraid to preach right out of the Bible......#900-910

And another stopping place for today, please join Duane Scott as he unwraps the promises of God......Please join me, joining him there as well......You will be blessed, I promise!

A little bird told me

"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.  So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. Matthew 10:29-31

This verse comes just about in the middle of Chapter 10 when Jesus is sending His disciples out two by two. I take comfort in how many times He told the disciples not to fear. I guess I shouldn't take comfort in that, that they feared, but I do. Let's face it, the world out there can be a scary place.

Each day He sends us out too, and we never know who or what we might run into.

I guess that's why I like birds......they remind me that God takes record of every one that falls from the sky and He is taking care of me too.

When I look at this little guy, a little ordinary brown sparrow, I see a master Designer at work. I see a hundred different shades of grey, brown, tan. I look at how the feathers fold so neatly together, how those little feet can grip just about anything. Perfectly suited to their environment.

God has placed His Own Spirit within us, so that we may be totally effective. Not only that, like this little bird, when we are controlled by the Spirit, we are perfectly suited to go out into the world and be God's hands and feet. But it's a battle, no doubt about it. At times I read that list of the gifts of the Spirit and I see where I am glaringly lacking.

There are far too many times I take the Spirit places He should never be, with my thoughts, my words, my actions.

And yet, still He strives with me.

Sometimes I pretend, it's just me and Jesus. And He's giving me a pep talk in my morning prayer. That is what it really comes down to, every day.

Me and Jesus face to face. And In that moment when I meet Him, the world falls away, and nothing else matters. When He looks in my eyes, He sees my heart.

He still wants me.

Grace Blows Through Our Days

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8

Not only that, He rose for us too......In light of those two facts, everything else in this life can be worked out. Some days are good mostly all the way through, but the average day holds a bit of everything mixed in. Just living in this world is a challenge. Yesterday was a hodgepodge but overall it was good. The usual worries cycled through my head on the way to work. I started to pray and stared off into the road ahead, my thoughts veer off as I hold study to the wheel.

The weather was beautiful and a bit cloudy, all the more beautiful since May and June are coming, and that's when the heat starts.  In my heart are the usual faces I send up into the throne of Grace.

I think of my brother, who works for The City of Stockton, a whole city on the brink of bankruptcy. He is caught like so many loyal employees, in the middle. Unsure of his job, unsure of his retirement, having to decide whether to let go and move on, or stay onbeard a sinking ship. A dear friend texted me yesterday, going through many hardships with a son, so much hurt, so much hardship, I could feel the pain in the middle of all the words flashing across my phone.....And my dear friend battling daily her own health issues as well as her Mom's Alzheimer's.....

And no matter how someone says, "It's not really them, it's the drugs.....it's the Alzheimer's.....it's the whatever" that's doing it, you still feel the betrayal, the indifference like a knife in your heart. You still feel the fatigue of moving through quicksand each day.

And yet.....there are moments of joy, moments of grace wound throughout our days. We know we are more than conquerors, after all, it's in the very lifeblood and DNA of our faith and it will not let us go. God gives us a supernatural hope that makes it possible to go on.....even be an encouragement to others.

There was an NPR article about the City of Stockton on the net yesterday and I felt a pang in my heart....so many good people who worked so hard to make a downtown, a marina, a beautiful park where people would want to come with their children, enjoy the weather, live life, and now it is all in jeopardy due to gross mis-management and politics and who knows what all else.

And when my brother got home to tuck into the meatloaf my Mom had made, she said he had a quizzical expression as he said, "Did you do something different to this?" Right away she knew what it was and burst out laughing. She remembered being sidetracked when she saw the syrup bottle on the counter right by the meatloaf. It was left out. And you know that when you have a special needs child around, you have to be on your toes. Lauryn had decided that the meatloaf needed a sauce.....a syrup sauce. In her mind it made perfect sense. Oh how I wish I could have been there watching her when she did it.

In the process, she gave her Daddy and Grandma, and me, when she told me about it last night, a good laugh.

And right then, we felt God's good grace in what a little girl did.

Remembering.......

It is close of day........Maundy Thursday evening. The evening He gathered with His friends for the last time. Work is done and the events of the day settle around me...floating down like dust moats in my mind. Every Easter week that comes around I wish once again that I had it off.....not just Sunday, the whole week.

I look up services on Maundy Thursday and I lament the days gone by, where businesses really did close on Good Friday. It seemed right and it felt good to live in such a world, such a town, such a time that did this. Things seem different now. People rush around as if they don't know what day it is, and sometimes I get caught right along with them, stupified about what I thought I needed at Walgreens.

But as I work all the way up to Sunday, I will exchange the upper room for some quiet moments in my prayer closet, and tomorrow, that darkest of days,  I will take a quiet walk on my break and thank Him again for doing such a monumental thing for this world. For me. For you.

I wonder how in the world He thought we were worth it, but I am so glad He thought we were.

I will wish for clouds to cover the sun tomorrow because that seems right too.  But this is Arizona after all, and the sun will most likely be shining brightly overhead. And that will be right too, somehow. Events will unfold and we will be distracted as we go from one thing to another.

More than likely we won't have enough time to reflect on what it all means. We are in the thick of life, work, kids, traffic, deadlines and bills. But this is what really matters. That in those moments when we pause and thank Him, we will feel Him close. We carry our upper room right along with us and He is there. Right there in the midst of us.

Tomorrow I will carry Him with me, and He will carry me mostly.

In my moments of remembering, I will picture the silhouette of a lonely cross against a stormy sky and a earth that quaked in revolt at such an impossible event........the creator and Lord of the universe on that same lonely cross. And a small band of very sad followers at the foot of it.

And John pulling Mary close as Jesus says, "Woman, behold your son....."

In every thing I have to do, in between all those things, in between my every breath, every step.....He will be there with me. And I will rejoice because the reality of Easter is this,

He lives!

A Song in the Night

It was one of those tossing and turning nights. I seem to have a lot of those lately. A bleary glance at the clock told me it was 2:30 AM. And faintly I heard something that sounded like a bird singing.....Singing, at that hour! At first I thought it was one of those alarm clocks that sound like birdsong. My Dad had one that went through the whole repertoire of a mockingbird. Incredulously I staggered outside into the cool night.

The stars were bright overhead and it was so quiet, except for the unmistakably loud sound of a real live mockingbird singing its heart out in my neighbor's lemon tree. It was so early the morning commute hadn't even started yet. Don't birds only sing at sunrise? This one's internal clock was surely off, I thought.

Every morning since, I have heard it. The earliest recorded time was 1:30 AM.

At first I was a bit ticked off. I get up at 4 on my work days and every hour of sleep is precious.

But today, God spoke to me as He often does in that still small way He has. He said:

This little bird is singing at my own direction, and who are you to tell it that its not the right time? When is it wrong to sing of My glory, to sing just for the sheer joy of singing. Don't I welcome any prayer, any song, day or night? Am I ever too busy to rejoice when one of my creatures is singing, do I ever turn away from your song?

And I don't know if there is such an expression of a heart that pangs, but my heart did pang as I rolled down the window this morning in the dark just to hear my little friend sing.

A tear threatened, when I thought of all the times I have squashed another's enthusiasm.....a song they longed to share, because I was too busy wallowing in my own problems to open up my heart, my ears, and truly rejoice with them.

And I thought....how I stifle my own song, how I rob someone of the joy of hearing it. Me, for thinking it's not worthy of singing. Then, and this one last thought is painful......of voices long stilled, and how I would give anything to hear them again, no matter the day or the hour.

Thank you little bird, and thank you God. For using one of your creatures to instruct me once again.....

I once was lost.....

“My people have been lost sheep.

Their shepherds have led them astray;

They have turned them away on the mountains.

They have gone from mountain to hill;

They have forgotten their resting place. Jeremiah 50:6

Ever feel lost? I had a lost day yesterday. I felt misplaced at my workplace. All this restructuring, tearing down walls, closing off areas, all in the name of reorganization. And it does look nice, very nice. I'd say it was a vast improvement, except I couldn't find anyone. Nobody sits where they did before. They are reshuffling us all. Soon we will be moving next door to a new building. This place where I have been for about 5 years new will probably be used for storage.....And the other day I came in and the landscapers had been here in our back patio. They removed many shrubs and moved our poor Intel cat's food and sleeping igloo so it was right out in the open. She was nowhere to be found.

I know how she feels.......I was wandering around looking for our admin yesterday too. I finally found her at the very end of the day. And Steve, my faithful good soul of a buddy, who takes care of the poor adandoned cats people dump in our parking lot, has also moved next door. I found him on the phone, it was good to hear a familiar voice.

In this life, it's easy to feel lost sometimes. Let's face it, we are foreigners here. It's like someone has shifted all the pieces of the puzzle and we have to figure out where we belong again. But then, my Father reminds me just where I belong. My place is forever secure, safely resting in Him. I know where I belong....but sometimes He has to remind me. He knows what a scary place this is.......

And what a comfort it is when He does remind me.

When everything around you looks or feels unfamiliar, remember where you belong. Settle back into His loving arms, and know that....

He will never let you go.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

image source: http://www.uproxx.com/

We don't get to choose

You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:6-8

She asked me one simple question......."Would you put your Mother there?" Sadly, emphatically, I shook my head and breathed out an emphatic, no. We had just come out of the "home" that Elaine was considering for her Mom. It was recommended by her Dad's case worker. A place where they put Alzheimer's patients when they are in danger of hurting themselves or others, and long past caring for themselves. One lady was licking ice-cream out of a bowl. Another man wanted a laxative. We took it all in, the peeling paint, dirty baseboards. The lady that was attending to the patients was kind, but she had her hands full.

It is a terrible decision to have riding on your shoulders. Especially when everyone else in the family says you should, that you have every right to.

Would you leave your Mom there? Her question haunted me........ and several thoughts were set in motion that I didn't expect. Of course I wouldn't leave my Mom there. She has put in the Mom time. Done all those things a good Mom does, all through the years. And she still is. We have always been friends as well as Mom and Daughter, so of course I wouldn't leave her in a place like that. No, never.

But is it fair for me or anyone else to expect her to leave her own Mom there? Is it fair for us to ask her to do something she is not emotionally prepared to do? And is it fair to be judge, jury and executioner and sentence her Mom accordingly? Give her what we feel she deserves? It is true, she has always been negative and sour, always looked at the dark side of things, never gone out of her way to show any sort of love or affection for her children, or even her grandchildren. She is difficult, she is all those things.

But is it up to me to withhold God's grace to her? The truth is, as Christians, we don't get to decide who gets grace and who doesn't. That was the thought that slammed full force into my heart. The Holy Spirit placed it there, soft as a whisper and loud as a gong reverberating through my ears.

While we were yet sinners, Christ died.......for me. For you. That thought sunk deep. I thought of every worst moment of my life. The ones I would be most ashamed of if they were put on a big screen in Times Square. God saw those, and He still died for me.

What right do I have to withhold Grace from anyone? Which one of us has been given what we truly deserve by God? The promised land of Grace is open to everyone, and He will never leave anyone out, because He didn't leave me out.

I got a living lesson on Grace, and it seems I really needed it. Thank you Elaine, for asking me that question and making me see again what God did for me, and reminding me of the Grace that I walk in each and every day.

Please join me today in Celebrating the Multitudes on Monday........#824-834

Clean sheets, God lessons in grace, cool mornings and warm days, the light of a candle flickering in the dark, new friends at work, new shoots coming up in the garden, a new comedian I heard yesterday in church, wisdom from the Word, finding a wonderful new show, Downton Abbey.......finding new authors, a clean house......