"I love you, God....." But after I said it, I could hear how it sounded to my own ears. What must it have sounded like to God's? I was weary of myself so I could understand how He could be weary of me. Of my same prayers.......my same requests. I was feeling like a bad actor before a Holy God. And the act of sitting out there felt like a charade this morning.
Here I am Lord, again. Don't you get tired of me Lord? I would if I were you. It was a prayer, but there was a "but" behind my "I love you" that didn't belong.
If I knew how Holy the ground was beneath my feet, these Teva sandals would be off my feet in a New York minute. The truth is, sometimes it is just hard to feel the Holy when we are down here on what feels right now like a grubby little planet. The dirt and debris has piled up near the door from yesterday's dust storm and I stepped through it to make my way to Him, to the place of our morning meeting.
I'm still the same old me. I have not lost the ten pounds I wanted to lose by the trip to California in July and the month is half over. I will shock everyone with the blinding white of my skin when I put on my bathing suit. I also need to dye my roots.
And today my prayers sounded more like exasperated sighs than reverence for you.
I wasn't feeling it today. But I know better now. I have learned you can't always trust feelings. I am, however haltingly, learning to trust Him.
I turned where He directed, to the story of Moses. I wanted to read about the bush that God lit with Holy fire and it didn't burn up. And then God taught this slow learner another lesson. He showed me that Moses was a big bundle of inadequacy and nerves and fear just like me.....
The words were truth.....leaping out through the pages. Moses was just like me. Over and over again, he tried to convince God of all that he wasn't.
But Moses protested to God, “Who am I to appear before Pharaoh? Who am I to lead the people of Israel out of Egypt?”
God answered, “I will be with you."
And later on......after God explained all the wondrous signs and miracles He would do, Moses protests once again......“What if they won’t believe me or listen to me? What if they say, ‘The Lord never appeared to you’?”
Lesson number two came when God told Moses to grab his staff which has now turned into a snake.
Sometimes you have to grab hold of that snake before God produces the miracle.
Moses then proceeds to work on God's last nerve, and boy don't I do that every single day?
Yet God is so full of love for Moses that he produces some help in the form of Aaron. Then the tears came and once again my love for God was as real as the flame in that bush. And there was my prayer, and this time it was real.....
And no buts about it.