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Random Saturday Thoughts

Random thoughts for your Saturday today......meet me here? I am switching over to WP and I am starting to post everything from there. Thank you for your patience!

The Blessing

 Then little children were brought to Him that He might put His hands on them and pray, but the disciples rebuked them. But Jesus said, “Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of heaven.” And He laid His hands on them and departed from there. Matthew 19:13-15

"I am doing a new thing with Lauryn now before she goes to her class," my Mom said. "I lay my hands on her and pray a little blessing." She saw someone do this on one of her Sunday morning shows. "I thought, why not do it for her." So now right before she slings on her backpack and heads off to join her friends, my Mom holds both hands on a very fidgety child and says:

"The Lord bless you and keep you, the Lord make His face to shine upon you and give you peace."

She went on to say that the first time she did it, she was wiggling around a lot, wondering what she was doing. "But now," she says, "She expects it, and I think she likes it a little." I verified this with my own eyes when I was there. She got this little mischievous smile that I caught on camera right after the prayer.

What a blessing to have a Grandma who prays for you...........and the laying on of hands? The Bible encourages it.

My Mom paused in her activity and said........"Do you remember how you and I prayed before school by the fire?" Of course I do. I told her I blogged about probably more than once, and I know I have thanked her more than once too.

How could I ever forget those times? Just she and I in the warm glow of the firelight. She praying for a very unhappy teen aged daughter because she just didn't know what else to do. I can still hear how she sounded, and feel her work-worn hands of love in mine. It makes me want to cry for the gratitude of her.

And it's not like you are really praying for safety, because things do happen, despite the prayers before going out. It's more like a release. It's a way of saying:

I give you to the Lord, and no matter what happens, we will be okay.

And we will.

For this reason I remind you to kindle afresh the gift of God which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline. 2 Timothy 1:6,7

Alzheimer's Diary.....A continuing lesson in love

And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Colossians 3:14

I have probably tacked this verse onto the beginning of posts more often this year than any other. Have you put on your love today? This past year, I have had to start over time after time, day after day. As most of you know who read my blog on a regular basis, we are working on year two of Elaine's Mom living with us.

It's been tough, to say the least. Hygiene is an ongoing issue more and more. We are working on week 4 with no shower, again. The last time, Elaine had to physically get in the shower with her because she refused to put water on her head. And she was washing with shampoo. Incontinence is also a problem. She refuses to wear the undergarments so bedding has to be changed often....laundry done several times a day.

Because she has been increasingly combative, her dose of Anti-psych drug was doubled just this past week. We noticed the rage has been just barely contained....it's always just under the surface. The pacing and the agitation seem to go hand in hand.

It is disheartening and sobering for Elaine to realize that right now if her Mom were not on the Seroquel she would be in a lock down unit as we speak. Her Mom still knows very well where she is, but when her Doctor tells her that if she won't let people take care of her she has to go somewhere where they can, he is met with indifference, a shrug of her shoulders.

It has been a constant challenge for both of us to do that "putting on love" thing Paul is talking about. And I am on another trip to California to see my family on Sunday. It's hard to be the one always left behind. For two years, she has had to watch others travel, go on weekend trips, vacations. That is what caretakers face every day.......for them life has stopped. They feel just as chained as if they were in stocks.

And how can life still feel like it's at a standstill, when the workload never stops?

Please pray? For wisdom, and strength to bear up. To keep laughing somehow. To know when to say "when."

Pray for strength and grace for me as well. That I can be the right kind of support. Too often I feel like the check marks on my own personal report card are screaming out a big red "fail." But God knows my heart, thankfully.

I take comfort in the fact that He hears my prayers of forgiveness uttered after every exasperated blown out sigh......He knows we are all dust after all, nevertheless a kernel of God keeps us all preserved for eternity.

Praise God.

And more and more and more, we are craving the peace, the harmony that used to fill the house. We still have it for the most part, we just have to fight for it where before it was effortless.

Here is the magic formula that works for any and every situation:

Love + Peace = Harmony

I will need until every last breath to put it into practice.

The Final Answer

 

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

 

I smoothed the sheets on my bed this morning and said a prayer of thanks because I didn't feel like I did yesterday morning. Yesterday I wasn't ready to enter into the day and I did something I never do on a day off......I went back to bed. Yet, even as I crawled back under the covers, I was aware that it was a luxury.  Just the fact that I could do it. Most can't.

 

I pulled the covers up, curled into a ball and slept until 9. For me, that's late.

 

After that I went to Walmart, which is my new place between places. I call it my own personal Bermuda Triangle. I sat with my cart amongst the fake Christmas trees and patio sets and smiled at the irony. The depression snaked behind me, but just then I felt I had outsmarted it. I felt cushioned in an island of peace. Even the pink one didn't bother me, it stood there innocently wearing sparkling white lights. How could I get mad at it?

 

I sat there playing my Words with Friends like I had nothing else to do. And it was good.

 

I got back and put everything away. And Joyce was agitated and pacing. I had closed my bedroom door and I think that threw her off too. Alzheimer's patients are like Autistic kids in that they like routine and they like normal. They don't like change.

 

And she forgets that Elaine has a job now and wonders where she is. Imagine never remembering anything? Your mind would have to work 10 times harder than anyone else's.

 

Every time I sat down at the keyboard to clack out words.....she came in or out the door. I gave up trying to write. I felt hemmed in, so I went outside for awhile and watched the birds eat the bread I left. The cactus wrens were up to their usual antics and I couldn't help but smile watching them.

 

And later the phone rang and it was a dear blogger friend just calling to say......"I have been praying for you." Never underestimate how important that is. To me it was grace like spring rain.

 

He told me his frustration about how some of his young friends just don't seem to get it. That it's not all about them, but it's about us and how we are all in this world together. And about Haiti and a world of people in need. And suddenly my problems felt smaller again. And I was able to write about just that very thing. Thank you, Duane Scott. You are a treasure.

 

Elaine came home after having to call four parents for out of control kids on the bus. They were new kids added to her route. She was exhausted. It was obvious the other driver had been ignoring the bad behavior. And then she sat in a training class where one of the other drivers constantly interrupted the instructor with unbelievably foul language.  

 

Nobody was saying anything, so she finally did.

 

Then later my Mom called and told me of her friend's daughter in law. She is in Stanford right now, a mother of three. They were all camping and she came home with a fever. Now something is attacking her liver. She is in Stanford undergoing tests and they can't find anything wrong, all those very bright minds.

 

And it was morning and it was evening and God is pulling the shade down on another day.

 

And the team we were rooting for last night is going to the World Series.

 

Each day has its own set of wins and losses. Sometimes people get it but sometimes they don't. And it's okay........We do the best we can any given day. And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness and prays for us with groans that words cannot express.

 

And in every conflict, as my friend so wisely said, the answer is always the same......Love.



Unwrapping His Promises

How long we wait, with minds as quiet as time.............Thomas Merton

And if you give yourself to the hungry
And satisfy the desire of the afflicted,
Then your light will rise in darkness
And your gloom will become like midday.
 “And the Lord will continually guide you,
And satisfy your desire in scorched places,
And give strength to your bones;
And you will be like a watered garden,
And like a spring of water whose waters do not fail.

“Those from among you will rebuild the ancient ruins;
You will raise up the age-old foundations;
And you will be called the repairer of the breach,
The restorer of the streets in which to dwell.

Isaiah 58:10-12

 
My time in the desert has taught me much. When the heat stretches on and you see no end, you long to escape it. You drive up north, you go to the coast, or you go to the theater or the mall. You learn to adjust what you do. You learn from the little creatures you see that somehow thrive, and it inspires you too to go on. This imagery is easy for us desert dwellers. But here, God is trying to teach a different kind of lesson.

A lesson for when the soul is parched and needs refreshing.

He is trying to teach us a new way of living for when life burns you out. We say, "I need a trip to the Spa," But He tells us we need to give to those who have less. New life, new energy, new hope is found when we do for others, and when we lean on Him in the doing. In a way, God is saying, "Get your mind off yourself and you will feel better."

But unless we also harness the power of the Holy Spirit, we will quickly be burned out. It's only when we join hands with the Creator that this regeneration and refreshment happen. The body might be beat, but inside the Spirit leaps.

In caretaking I have found this to be true. As soon as I stop harnessing God's power, I find my anger flaring up at all those little moments....a shirt getting stuck on the hanger, her pacing back and forth, her opening and closing the door 10 times.

I focus on a Motorhome that sits idle in storage for the lack of freedom to just get up and go. I lament the loss of freedom and say it's not fair. What is fair? People in Haiti are living in tents and have no clean water.

It wasn't fair the Jesus had to go to the cross but He did. And now despite everything I deserve, I get Heaven here and now. And for eternity. With that in view, I can be more than a conqueror.

Whatever we are going through here and now, it is only for a season. And there are blessings everywhere we turn when we have the Lord to refresh us in all those scorched places in life.

Let's unwrap His promises today, the basket is overflowing........

A day in the life

 

Staying one step ahead. That is what you consistently have to do. And if you forget, it throws the whole day off. That kind of living alters your life. It's very much like having a toddler in the house, you must think of things they may get into before they do. Secure the area at all times.

You leave the washer open in the morning and ready for her soiled PJ's to go into. And you never  leave washed clothes in the washer, soiled clothes will go on top of them. Many loads had to be repeated because of that.

Check room for dirty clothes she puts back in closet.

Secure unopened mail. Put it somewhere she won't find it.

Leave phone turned down, always.

Don't leave suitcases out unless you are ready to answer 100 questions about where you are going and when.

Signs on doors, on microwave.......so many rules.

Yesterday the pacing was bad. Every time I settled down to write she would come back in the door. Or go out again. The silent close of the screen door......50 times a day. And every time, the air conditioner would click on trying to keep up with the raised temp in the house.

There used to be a zoo in my hometown that I liked going to, but I always felt sad for the coyote. He paced all day in his little cell. As a kid I wanted to set him free and live the life he was meant to live, running through fields chasing rabbits. I have never really liked zoos since.

I know Joyce must feel a bit like that coyote, and I can't imagine what it's like inside her mind. So I really try to be patient. We take her to Walmart and buy her an ice-cream and let her sit on the benches and watch people. She likes that and so far has only wandered off a few times. Security had to be called.

But yesterday I was in a hurry and just wanted to get there and back.

By the end of the day I felt like the coyote as well, so I went to the store again........I found myself whistling in the aisles.....I felt that sense of freedom that happens when you are suddenly sprung. I understand now how women with small children feel, just wanting to go.......anywhere away.

Elaine dreams of Alaska with an unlisted number.

This is our life right now. And Jesus is here with us. So it is going to be okay. Because.....

"Never will I leave you or forsake you......."

Asking the big questions

Therefore do not be unwise, but understand what the will of the Lord is. Ephesians 5:17

 

I slept late because I took a Walmart sleep aid. I missed prayer this morning......and running. That threw me all off.

Then I was messing around with the template and header on my blog yesterday and messed it up. So now it is beautifully off centered.....and the lettering is also not centered. Bless Dusty Rayburn for sending me the code. I know what he sent was right because he is a very smart guy, and a techie. But I put the code in and nothing changed.

And I decided that was okay because my life is very much like my crooked blog header right now. A beautiful picture  but gloriously off center. Not perfect. So I decided to leave it like that as a reminder.

"How did you love today?"

At the close of each day it's what I ask myself. It seems more often than not there is a big fat red "F" on the report card in my heart. Mentally I check off everything I did wrong. I see fail after fail. Glaring at me from inside their smug little boxes.

We need to ask ourselves the hard questions as Christians. That was what came out of the church service on Sunday morning and ever since, I have wondered. Have I fit Jesus into a comfortable niche in my life?  Am I a "friend" or "follower" like on Facebook or Twitter, or am I a Disciple?

Disciple has definite connotations.

I felt the weight of it all as I stepped out the door to finally go running. I needed it to clear my head, and heart. And as I ran, something happened. I felt it lift. As I heard the words to East and West, I felt the warm oil of His grace from the top of my head all the way down to my toes.

It was like the oil I was anointed with once for sickness. And now I was feeling the healing of His Grace all over again.

Grace that is always greater than all my sin.

And where grace enters in, He always brings His love with it.

Oh God, this is it. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, for the assurance I am still and always Your child.

Only in Jesus can I be that picture of perfection. God sees my heart. The truth is, there is a lot I will get wrong today too, but there are some things I will get right.

I will get up and try again tomorrow with Jesus. And I thought another thing too this morning. That like Alzheimer's? Once we confess to God, he not only forgives, He forgets all about it.

He has given me a living, breathing example of that right in my own home.

I guess you could say that God has a form of Alzheimer's too when it comes to our sin.

As far as the east is from the west, So far has He removed our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:12
 

A day in the life.....

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful!

For those of you who have been keeping up with this blog, you know the situation with Elaine's Mom. Each day comes with its own challenges and the heat provides another. And when I work, there is always a story to come home to, last night was no exception. Since the heat has set in, the challenge has been to keep Joyce inside after around 11. The outside swing as been her safe place, but now with the barometer climbing to 110 in the shade, it is far too hot. Yet now her mind doesn't make the connection that it is too hot.

For some strange reason, she has no inclination to go out when it is bearable in the morning, so Elaine kindly reminds her that if she wants to go out, she has to go in the morning.  Now anytime after noon, there is  a wooden board across it,  complete with sign......"Too hot to sit outside."

This makes her Mom angry as you might expect.

Yesterday she was more disoriented than usual. In the morning she asked if she could have coffee. Later, she asked how many brothers and sisters she had. After Elaine told her 9, she then asked how many were left. Elaine told her, "3" and her Mom started crying. She then wanted to talk to her sister, Faye, who has been gone for about 6 years. When Elaine told her she had passed away, she cried again.

This went on for about an hour or more. Joyce kept wanting to talk to Faye. Ten minutes later she would ask again. So finally in desperation, she said, "Okay, I will call her." So she called her other sister Shirley in Texas who also has Alzheimers's.

They talked about the same thing for an hour. Needless to say it was a very interesting conversation. They talked about a Nephew that hanged himself and how sad it was that a young kid would get to so desperate as to do such a thing. That young kid was 55, and no telling how long ago this happened.

When I got home, I got the recap.

And yet.......God is faithful. So far we have mostly kept our sanity and sense of humor. I truly don't know how Elaine does it, being with her 24/7.....and yet, I do, I really do.

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Colossians 3: 12-14

When writing heals what is broken

"Mine is the sunlight, mine is the morning
Born of the one light, Eden saw play
Praise with elation, praise every morning
God's recreation of the new day"

Morning has broken, Cat Stevens

Sometimes God does something that we really don't expect. Well, usually He does.  And yesterday, I hinted at that something. It was something that was broken off me......and it was supernatural. It was an out and out healing, I really wouldn't know what else to call it. I wrote a story recently, well God wrote it, actually. And I guess it was a kind of catharsis, because ever since it was posted, the anger that I have been wrestling with has left.

I remember the morning after I sent it, I awoke at 2:00 and it was there. The black presence. I was fighting with it in the dark. I was doing combat. And I was upset because I was robbed of precious sleep. In two more hours the alarm would go off.

It was a person I was mad at. And it was justified, because my friend was hurt because of it. You could say it was a righteous anger. But it was anger all the same. And I recognized it as a tangible thing inside me, building and brewing inside me since all these events of the past few years or so.

It was the anger that leapt up like a fire in me.......when a shirt wouldn't come off the hanger, when someone pulled in front of me, little irrational things that caused it to flare. And I was never that way before.

That dark morning I prayed just I had other mornings, but that morning I fell asleep hard, and when I awoke that anger had packed its bags and left. God swept that demon out clean. 

I know it was the story.

I compare it to the other morning long ago when I got up and I suddenly knew my mind was healed of anorexia. I sat down and ate......with no guilt at all. That thing inside that held me captive was gone and I knew it.

And there was such joy at the kitchen table that day, my Mom and Dad and I all cried as I told them about a healing dream I had. That morning they got their daughter back from the grip of death.

I remember I ate scrambled eggs, usually a forbidden food.

I know it was the story. I gave it to Him and He did something wonderful with it.

This is powerful confirmation that Dawn is coming.

Once again He has reminded me in a powerful way, that whatever you or I are going through right now, its temporary, Hallelujah.

Tremble and do not sin;
when you are on your beds,
search your hearts and be silent.
Offer the sacrifices of the righteous
and trust in the Lord.

In peace I will lie down and sleep,
for you alone, Lord,
make me dwell in safety.

Psalm 4:4,5, and 8





The Lord will hear.......

But know that the Lord has set apart for Himself him who is godly;
The Lord will hear when I call to Him.

Psalm 4:3

I pulled out of the driveway a bit late for church. I was thinking that I might miss the music, and that was okay. Certain days, it's all I want to hear, and other days I would be content to just sit in the silence for awhile. Just to be in church.....

As I sped along the freeway another thought came. What if, instead of doing church, I went and passed out bottled water to the homeless. Went to serve in the foodbank. Went to the rest home and spent the church hour sitting with him. Praying with him. It was a radical thought. That's what made me think it might be a God thought.

Instead, I felt my tires go the familiar groove, the safe way. Into the doors I went, into the safety of the church. It's what I need, I thought. This is how I get ready for the rest of the week. This is what keeps me going all week.

And I was glad I went. But at service's end, I found myself going the back way home. The way that passed the rest home where he was, Curtis, my best friend's Dad. He has wreaked such havoc over the last few years, well, longer than that. And though he provided for the family, he was an absent father.

Now everyone is absent from his life, well just about everyone.

Though the choices that have led to this result at the end of his life have been his, it makes it no less tragic how he has ended up.

As I drove past, I felt God whisper for me to pull in. And He might have said that I should go in the room, too. But I wrestled with that, and put it aside.

What if he's in a grouchy mood, what if he's just gotten his lunch, he stops eating if someone is there.....what if there is a mess all over and soiled clothes piled high in the hamper, like there has been before. The smell reached all the way down the hall. Sometimes he refuses to let the aides pick up his laundry.

I think of him how he looks now. So frail, so weak, a shadow of the man he was before.

I pulled into a space and my swirling thoughts quieted down like snow at the bottom of a snowglobe.

I bowed my head, and prayed for him right there in the parking lot. For his life, for the rest of his life, however much is left. For him to remember what he heard in church all his younger years, he and his sister, still vibrant and full of life at 88. She chose the better path, the path of faith, of life. Of Jesus.

I pray for a miracle before the end.

Then, like that while feather that floated from the sky in Forrest Gump, I realized that a miracle had happened, the anger I had before was gone. It had left like a wisp of smoke and I hadn't realized it before then,  and I know just when it happened.

Be angry, and do not sin.
Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still. Selah
Offer the sacrifices of righteousness,
And put your trust in the Lord

Psalm 4:4,5

Tomorrow, I will write more.....until then I join with the gratitude community and with the ones who are unwrapping his promises.

Okra reaching for the sky, how my story touched some hearts, and how I made some new friends, completed projects and a clean shop, friends across the miles who text, another chips and salsa timeout yesterday, freedom to gather together in worship one more Sunday, a new friend for my brother, my nieces Mom who takes Lauryn everywhere with her and doesn't leave her behind, and facebook for keeping in touch. #933-943

Can we talk????

I heard a quote somewhere that said something like, "we view ourselves as our mothers see us".......I probably mangled the quote, and I really can't remember where I read it, but the meaning stuck with me. Could it actually be true? There is no stronger bond than that of the parent and child, or more complex. If that is true, then the bond between Moms and Daughters is even more complicated.

For every daughter who has a mom worthy of the glowing phrases found in a Hallmark card, I am sure there are 4 or 5 that don't. I am very blessed and grateful that it has always been easy for me to celebrate Mom's day. My mom has made it so. She was there emotionally and physically for me, always.....she still is, I am happy to say.

Some daughters spend their whole lives trying to "get over" their mother. And some spend all their lives trying to please a mother who will not be pleased; who remains as emotionally and physically available as a brick wall. My best friend comes to mind immediately. Sometimes, as she says, "I thank her for doing the best she could at the time, and for giving me life." I don't know that I could be as gracious as she is.

My Mom always hated Mother's Day. Finding a card was always difficult. My Grandmother was emotionally distant and critical of her daughters and yet displayed open affection for her son. In her defense, she lost a precious little girl to a shooting accident when she was only four. I often wonder if she just couldn't allow herself to show affection for my Mom and Aunts because of her guilt about Annie.

Some things she did do right. She created a warm atmosphere in their home in many ways. They always came home to meals and home baked pastries and a clean house. To her credit, she was very demonstrative in her love for me and my brother. I think mixed in with her love for me was pity, since I was born 3 months premature and was a small pale child. She was always trying to feed me.

Even great moms struggle with guilt......they think they haven't done enough. They see the mistakes they made instead of all the things they did right. My Mom told me on the phone yesterday, "It's hard for me to think of myself as a good Mom." I was floored.

As daughters we tend to remember that one barb that stuck, that one hurtful thing our Mom said that she may not have even been aware of saying, nevertheless we remember it.

Mother's Day for those of us without kids can be uncomfortable. An innocent question like, "What are you doing for Mother's Day" and all of a sudden I feel like I am on the other end of the Spanish Inquisition about why I don't have kids. Most of the time it's all in my head. They just asked a question, after all.

Just because I haven't had any doesn't mean I haven't mothered in some way shape or form. In fact, I feel very sure that within all women there resides a she-wolf  that would step in front of a truck to save even someone else's child. Its just a part of who we are.

There's a whole world of children out there who have benefited by someone who picked up where Mom left off. Someone who sacrificed without giving it a second thought. Auntie, Grandma, best friend, teacher......Imagine where some of those kids would be if no one had stepped up.

There was one moment in particular when I felt like I was briefly ushered in to the Mommy community. I was dropping my little niece Lauryn off at school when I noticed the booger hanging halfway out her cute little nose. Instantly I was mortified that she might be teased by her classmates, so I took my bare finger (cause that was all I had) and got it out for her. Then I understood that thing that comes alive in you as a parent. That thing that says, I will do whatever it takes to protect you.

So today I honor all Mothers in whatever capacity you serve. Because being a good Mom is the toughest job in the world and one of the most important assignments God will ever give you. You deserve more than just one day.....

"If you bungle raising your children, I don't think whatever else you do well matters very much." -- Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis

Grace Blows Through Our Days

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8

Not only that, He rose for us too......In light of those two facts, everything else in this life can be worked out. Some days are good mostly all the way through, but the average day holds a bit of everything mixed in. Just living in this world is a challenge. Yesterday was a hodgepodge but overall it was good. The usual worries cycled through my head on the way to work. I started to pray and stared off into the road ahead, my thoughts veer off as I hold study to the wheel.

The weather was beautiful and a bit cloudy, all the more beautiful since May and June are coming, and that's when the heat starts.  In my heart are the usual faces I send up into the throne of Grace.

I think of my brother, who works for The City of Stockton, a whole city on the brink of bankruptcy. He is caught like so many loyal employees, in the middle. Unsure of his job, unsure of his retirement, having to decide whether to let go and move on, or stay onbeard a sinking ship. A dear friend texted me yesterday, going through many hardships with a son, so much hurt, so much hardship, I could feel the pain in the middle of all the words flashing across my phone.....And my dear friend battling daily her own health issues as well as her Mom's Alzheimer's.....

And no matter how someone says, "It's not really them, it's the drugs.....it's the Alzheimer's.....it's the whatever" that's doing it, you still feel the betrayal, the indifference like a knife in your heart. You still feel the fatigue of moving through quicksand each day.

And yet.....there are moments of joy, moments of grace wound throughout our days. We know we are more than conquerors, after all, it's in the very lifeblood and DNA of our faith and it will not let us go. God gives us a supernatural hope that makes it possible to go on.....even be an encouragement to others.

There was an NPR article about the City of Stockton on the net yesterday and I felt a pang in my heart....so many good people who worked so hard to make a downtown, a marina, a beautiful park where people would want to come with their children, enjoy the weather, live life, and now it is all in jeopardy due to gross mis-management and politics and who knows what all else.

And when my brother got home to tuck into the meatloaf my Mom had made, she said he had a quizzical expression as he said, "Did you do something different to this?" Right away she knew what it was and burst out laughing. She remembered being sidetracked when she saw the syrup bottle on the counter right by the meatloaf. It was left out. And you know that when you have a special needs child around, you have to be on your toes. Lauryn had decided that the meatloaf needed a sauce.....a syrup sauce. In her mind it made perfect sense. Oh how I wish I could have been there watching her when she did it.

In the process, she gave her Daddy and Grandma, and me, when she told me about it last night, a good laugh.

And right then, we felt God's good grace in what a little girl did.

Extraordinary Life......

“Dear God,

I am so afraid to open my clenched fists!

Who will I be when I have nothing left to hold on to?

Who will I be when I stand before you with empty hands?

Please help me to gradually open my hands

and to discover that I am not what I own,

but what you want to give me.” Henri Nouwen

 

 

When the little slip of paper came around to volunteer at church, I happened to notice a little box right next to help out in the special needs class. It was as if that choice alone of all the other choices was outlined in bold, yet I know it wasn't. I remembered my words, I said....."every big church should have one." Because of my niece Lauryn, I'm sensitive to it. I think it's important that people with special needs have a place in church, a class all their own, an option like everyone else.

I felt the Lord give me one of His nudges. "If you support it so strongly, maybe you should help out." I checked the box and prayed while my little slip was passed along with the others down the aisle. Because I knew I had to. Because I knew the Extraordinary Life class was something out of my comfort zone. I like safe, I like predictable. The truth is, sometimes the world feels out of my comfort zone.

Dear God forgive me, I didn't even know what hand over hand drawing meant when I talked to Amy on the phone and she told me a bit about the class. As I saw shortly after I got there, it means you put your hand over theirs, coloring in what they cannot. What would it be like to have a child who can't do the simplest things? Those things we all take for granted. I thought of Lauryn and how she can do just about anything physical and yet in her brain there are many words still fighting to get out.

As I put her little hand in mine and we colored in the outlined cross on the paper, it had to be purple, her favorite and also my niece's favorite too....... I suddenly felt the impact of what that meant......hand over hand.

Just like God takes ours and does the impossible.
And another curious thing I felt? My own weakness as well as her own. I didn't want to hurt her hand, and I didn't know if how I was holding it was comfortable for her. I complimented her on her beautiful nails, which her Mom, (it turned out to be Amy, the same lady I talked to on the phone) painted a brilliant sparkly deep red with a hint of pink.

And then there was Kathleen,  who had quite possibly the most beautiful pair of blue eyes I had ever seen, framed with wonderfully long dark lashes. In them, I saw the whole sky of Heaven. I have a feeling she sees more than the rest of us combined. She was 33 and all of 70 pounds soaking wet, also wheelchair bound. She smiled at me and I smiled at her. At that moment, I saw the Lord looking back. In her hands she clutched onto two balls, one in each hand. It was clear that she didn't want to let go of them.

She loves the song Jesus Loves Me.....they say her face lights up when she hears it.

As I looked at her little fists so tightly wrapped around what made her feel better, I thought of all the things I kept closed around my fists too, for fear of letting go.  I understood how she felt. In some ways we are not so different after all. 

These parents, these kids. These are the ones who teach the lessons. The ones the world so often calls the least of these. One thing I am sure of, Jesus loves them this I know, and I also know they are somehow closer to Him than I am.

Even so, I know He loves me too.

Photo credit: Google images

We all need healing

"Our own experience with loneliness, depression, and fear can become a gift for others, especially when we have received good care. As long as our wounds are open and bleeding, we scare others away. But after someone has carefully tended to our wounds, they no longer frighten us or others.

When we experience the healing presence of another person, we can discover our own gifts of healing. Then our wounds allow us to enter into a deep solidarity with our wounded brothers and sisters."

Henri Nouwen, the Wounded Healer

We all need healing from something, that is the truth. This life makes its marks. And we are all at different mile markers in our healing journey. Here's the miracle part. That at just the point when we think we can no longer hold on, someone a little further down the path, or one who is presently not in need of healing speaks hope.

Someone listens........Someone says they understand, and you know they really do.

One of the ladies in my Mom's Bible study, when they finished going around the table with all their prayer concerns, (and they were many) said, "the word for the day is Nevertheless."

I like that.......Nevertheless......we have Jesus. Nevertheless.......we are more than conquerors......Nevertheless.......we exult in hope and joy unspeakable and full of glory......Nevertheless......He gives us peace that passes understanding.

The One who heals us, knows how it feels to be in need of healing Himself.

But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed. Isaiah 53:5

Celebrating firsts, letting go of lasts....

Your skin like dawn

Mine like musk

One paints the beginning

of a certain end.

The other, the end of a

sure beginning.

Passing Time by Maya Angelou

When you have a child, it is important to celebrate the "firsts." They are such milestones and so very important. They carve themselves in your heart and memory forever. And then there are the lasts.....the last time they will let you hug them.....in public, or at all! The last time they blow you a kiss or return your wave as enthusiastically as you give it. The last time you read them a story and feel them lean against you as if they will always need you this much. 

Sometimes they slip by unnoticed, but not because they aren't just as monumental as the others.

My wonderfully stalwart and soft-hearted best friend has realized there are other types of losses and last things when your parents have Dementia and Alzheimer's. She has had a whole year of "lasts" with her Mom and her Dad.

There was the last drive in the car, the last trip in the Motor home, the last time to pay a bill or run to the store. She has been with them through it all.

Yesterday was still another. Last time to take your Mom to the movies. First, she got lost. She said she didn't have to "go" but changed her mind and went into a stall. Since she has the habit of wandering off, Elaine circled the theatre area, and then the parking lot. A lady said, "She went that way....." Then, out loud during the movie her Mom kept saying, "This movie is weird."

And she ate one kernel of popcorn at a time and then picked her teeth....and you don't want to know what she did with what she found in her teeth. Imagine what a small child would do if they didn't know any better. Alzheimer's is ugly. And mean spirited. It has no mercy.

It was another last of many lasts. And the strain of it all makes her wonder if she is living her lasts as well......how do you grieve what never was in the first place? Part of the sorrow is knowing how it could have been And will you know the right time to say, "when?" Can you trust someone else to give you permission to lay it down?

And all the relatives wonder why she keeps trying. Why she can't just put her in a home somewhere. Why she can't let go. Everyone else has cut them loose. After all, their parents never really invested in their lives, or the lives of their Grand kids. You don't grieve what was never there, after all. You just live your life as if they don't exist.

And the time and memories are like water rushing under a bridge.....sometimes, regrettably, not nearly fast enough. And that time is getting closer every day.

And sometimes the saddest thing we can learn from others is how not to live a life.......

And when the end does come, she will have known she did all she could with the help of her Savior who knows and sees all. She is doing what she must do, right now, one day, one moment at a time, and trusting Him to let her heart know when it is time to let go.

Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written,The days fashioned for me,when as yet there were none of them..........Psalm 139:16

Sanity Restored

but just as it is written, "THINGS WHICH EYE HAS NOT SEEN AND EAR HAS NOT HEARD, AND which HAVE NOT ENTERED THE HEART OF MAN, ALL THAT GOD HAS PREPARED FOR THOSE WHO LOVE HIM." 1 Corinthians 2:9

What a wonderful time away in beautiful San Diego. God is so good. He has created such beauty in the world for us to enjoy. The balmy breezes you hear about? All true. I felt them, every one! It was such a blessing to have this change of scenery that I love so much.

Best of all, I got to watch my best friend become her carefree self once again.

When you are a full time caretaker, your needs go on the back burner and you actually morph into the person you are care giving. Your own self disappears. That is when despair settles in because you really don't see an end. It is as your view is distorted and you can no longer see clearly. It is a sad and curious phenomenon that everyone who has done this knows very well.



But for four wonderful days, all that was left behind. Sanity was restored.

We stayed in a place where it was easy to forget......they even had two resident parrots who rested on a perch right outside our room. We could hear them screech from time to time, and the seagulls crying overhead made us sigh.....

And far away, the magical sound of the foghorn drifting across the water.

It was all so very good.

A big thank you to Elaine's Nephew Mark who stayed with his Grandma so she could have a few days rest. God bless you!


"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17

This Good Day

Jesus called out to them, "Come, follow me, and I will show you how to fish for people!" Matthew 4:19


We have had a couple days away from everything. And it has been much needed.......the best part?
 
No plan........No schedule......No worries
 
Yesterday I walked along the beach and caught the sun coming up over the city of San Diego....what a gift!
 
Elaine left her Mom with Nephew Mark and to his credit there have been no calls or texts. I know that is because he knows how much stress his Aunty is under and wants her around for a long long time.
 
It is amazing what just a few days can do. So far the whole weekend has felt something like this:
 

Morning sun, morning glories

Pouring down the hill

Through my window I can feel the ocean breeze

Noisy sparrows fill the oak trees

Swallows can't stay still

And in the glad commotion, Lord, You speak to me

If rain clouds come

Or the cold winds blow

You're the One Who goes before me

And in my heart I know

That this good day

It is a gift from You

The world is turning in its place

Because You made it to

I lift my voice to sing a song of praise
On this good day

Fernando Ortega, partial lyric This Good Day

San Diego, California is only 6 hours from Phoenix but it feels half a world away........I thank you God for this marvelous gift and all the beauty you created for us to enjoy.....
 
One more day left.....

The Next Room of Prayer

For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Ephesians 6:12

Let us firmly resolve not to lost the battle we fight. For if the devil sees that we are willing to lose our life and our peace, and that nothing can entice us back to the first room (first stage of prayer), he will soon cease from troubling us. But we must be resolute, for we fight with devils, and thus, there is no better weapon than the cross. Theresa of Avila

I tend to blame a lot of the way I feel on external things, people, life.......circumstances around me. But at the heart of it all, is my own response to all those things. My own internal struggle, the one that wages on in my soul, that old spiritual battle we have fought since the beginning. That is what keeps me in prayer. If Satan can convince us that the battle is lost, like we are failures at our faith. He has won.

Sometimes it doesn't seem like we are getting any closer to our goal.....but the truth may be that we are closer than we think. It may be that we have moved up a level, into the next room of our prayer life. Lately I have felt much like a hollowed out gourd. Writing about anything has been hard. I have a person living in my home who has exposed me to myself.......made me see the reality of just how weak my faith is. Can it be that is what God has wanted me to see all along?

How can I ever fully understand His strength unless I am met face to face with the stark reality of my weakness? My inability to do anything on my own?

It is no wonder I am exhausted. I have been wielding my own sword and not His.

It is this act of laying down my very ineffective sword again and again.........that is where the real battle comes in. Like Peter, I want to take matters into my own hands and slice off the ear of the guard. I so identify with Peter. He sees chaos coming and wants to defend, to fight, to fix, to right the wrong on his own.

But Jesus says no.

Jesus walks right through the middle of it, knowing that in order to win the war you have to pick your battles.

And for the joy set before Him endured the cross.............."Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2

What matters most

Above all powers
Above all kings
Above all nature
And all created things
Above all wisdom
And all the ways of man
You were here
Before the world began......

This was the week Elaine and I were supposed to go on a cruise to Belize. Caretaking took that away as it has taken many things away this past year.....

But somehow, sitting in church yesterday listening to the sermon and, most of all,  having Elaine's Nephew Mark sitting right beside us. The cruise didn't matter as much anymore. Not if it meant having an eternal impact on someone dear. None of our travels matter much in the long run.

What I heard yesterday reminded me. Knowing God matters more. Reaching the halls of Heaven matter. Hearing the gospel and having a chance to respond? That matters more than anything.

When the Pastor took the long black rope representing our whole life plus eternity.....when he held up the piece with the knot about 4 inches away from the end, and how we pour everything we have into that four inches representing our very short time on earth.....

Our hopes, our dreams, our ambitions to make money, have a successful career, a family.....all on that very tiny end with the knot.

And we fail to think, to plan. For the rest of the rope that represents eternity. Stretching on and on.

We fail to count the cost.

Fail to plan for eternity and where we will spend it.

As he said the words, I felt the chill.......Saying "maybe tomorrow" is the same as saying no to God.

Later today is also a refusal.

With all that life hanging in the balance, 

A little cruise didn't matter so much anymore. 

Above all kingdoms
Above all thrones
Above all wonders
The world has ever known
Above all wealth
And treasures of the earth
There's no way to measure
What You're worth

Crucified
Laid behind a stone
You lived to die
Rejected and alone
Like a rose
Trampled on the ground
You took the fall
And thought of me

Above all

 Michael W. Smith

the blessings keep coming, as well as the grace.......Awesome church service yesterday, just when it was needed most.....warm beds at night.....money for the new fridge.....and for the new coffeepot when the other gave out......music to soothe rumpled souls.....praise that lifts the tired and poor of spirit......God's Spirit that helps us through it all.....warmed up oatmeal maple scone......walking in the mornings chill.....time off work, even when I am not going anywhere......#802-812