Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

I was driving down the freeway when it hit. I felt that familiar feeling........the shallow breathing, the knot of tears forming in my throat. They come sometimes without warning. It started as an ordinary task in an ordinary day. I was following Elaine because she was taking her car in.

I held it at bay, at arms length, because I have to get stuff done. I think it's just life piling up sometimes, and it has to come out somewhere, sometime. I am no stranger to this feeling. It has always been with me.

One of the very first times I can remember was when I caved during a Christmas play at church.

I had one line, I don't even remember what it was. Because all of a sudden all I wanted to do was get off that stage......I strained my eyes through the bright lights and all I wanted was to find my parents. And then I did.

The road blurred through tears. I breathed little puffs of air. I turned off the freeway and onto the street. Off to my right was man on the sidewalk wearing flip-flops, a Hawaiian shirt and shorts....and a guitar strapped around his shoulder. He was carrying on a very animated conversation, with himself.

Laughter bubbled up through the tears a little hysterically, I thought........"I hope that's not gonna be me someday soon."


Then I thought of my childhood friend Mary. Mary of the big blue eyes and wonderful reading voice.


It was always either her or me the teachers chose for reading out loud. I still remember her singing a solo in a school fashion show, she sang "After the Ball" in a blue dress. I don't know what happened with Mary but many years later my folks told me she would skate down the street in a full hockey uniform, helmet and all. She never played hockey a day in her life.


She died recently at my age, only 53. She had a daughter and I would love to see her.  I wonder if she had Mary's eyes, and liked to read. I hope she will be okay.


Don't we all dance a bit close to the border of crazy at times? I think you kind of have to, to live this life we all live.

As I caught sight of Elaine's jeep through the maze of cars, right in the midst of my panic I thought......."Thank you Lord." Because all my life I have never had to go through this feeling alone, and some people have.

And this wonderful friend has been with me through so much. And I will tell her about this, and she will say, "Well, maybe you are a little bit crazy, but I understand, and everything is gonna be fine."

Because after all, God has us. He really does. 

In the wee small hours

Lying in bed, I think, 'When will it be morning?' But the night drags on, and I toss till dawn. Job 7:4 NLT

It always amazes me that I can find a Bible verse that applies to each and every situation. I was up once again at 2:00 AM. I was also up yesterday morning at around the same time. I scared Elaine to death because she thought she was being really quiet when she snuck into my bathroom at 2:30 and I said, "What you doing?" She almost jumped out of her skin. She was trying not to wake me but no worries there. She was really trying not to wake her Mom on the other side of the house. You learn with an Alzheimer's patient, you do anything in the world not to wake them at night.

Elaine has spent many hours awake since her Mom took over her bedroom. She now sleeps in the Arizona room which has walls and a ceiling but not much in the way of insulation. It is like sleeping by the Indianapolis Speedway. People drag up and down the street all hours of the night. She has a radio on at all times to mask the noise and her tinnitus.

I couldn't believe I was up once again this morning,  tossing and turning. My thoughts were like fireworks going off in my head. The more I thought about getting up at 4, the wider-awake I remained. I prayed.....I recited the 23rd Psalm which usually works like a tonic. Not this time.

I dreamt of that blessed blessed sleep that comes. The Bible calls it "sweet sleep."

I finally got it at around 3:30. Right before the alarm went off. I got up and started the coffee and layed back down for a few minutes. As I sat blinking, fuzzy-headed, sipping my first cup, the chorus of an old hymn was playing through my mind and it comforted me.......

Jesus is tenderly calling me home

Calling today, calling today

Why from the sunshine of love will thou roam

Farther and farther away?

Calling today, calling today

Jesus is calling, is tenderly calling today.

Jesus is calling the weary to rest

Calling today, calling today

Bring Him thy burden and thou shalt be blessed

He will not turn thee away.

I looked it up just now.......Turns out it is an old Jim Reeves song, lyrics written by Fanny Crosby.



I was thankful once again, that I was raised singing those old hymns.....I love the modern praise songs, but somehow when one of these slips quietly into my mind, I feel a peace like no other.

I think of my heritage, my Grandparents, all my Grandmother's sisters, and I really feel they are cheering me on from Heaven.

I can do this thing.

Phone Phobia

Me and phones.

I put off calling people, even people I really want to talk to. I don't know why, I guess because when I analyze it, I automatically assume you are doing something important and I would be an interruption. I don't know where that comes from, I guess a bit of shyness that has always been part of my character. Leftover from long ago.........That, and I can't see what you are doing. My imagination works overtime. I think how busy you are and the phone ringing would be taking you away from all that. And I can imagine you might think to yourself, "Oh, it's her."

My Mom had a brand new friend that she called out of the blue for the first time and the friend said, "What do you want?"  I would have been mortified. Of course, she was joking and they had a good laugh. And my Mom has a very healthy self-image and was unfazed. Now when I call Mom, often she starts the conversation with that same line and we both laugh.

But I want you to know, that if I don't call you, it's not because I don't want to talk to you, or that I am not thinking of you. I do, and I am. And if you called I would be very happy no matter what I was doing. Unless you were trying to sell me something.

I guess that's why I love texting. I never used to text.....at all. Actually, I didn't know how, and also, I didn't have an IPhone. I love texting, I don't have to worry about interrupting anything. If you text back, that means you want to talk. That opens the door for me to respond back.

But it's never the same. Hearing your voice is so much better. Especially when I can hear you smile over the phone. I picture your face and imagine where you are calling from.....maybe I see your room or kitchen and picture you in it, and that makes me smile.

Really, phone calls across the miles are magic. Sometimes when I get a special phone call, I remember right where I was standing when I got it.

Don't ever worry about calling me, whatever I am doing or whatever time it is. It means you want to talk to me, and that means everything.

I will try my best despite my phone phobia, to do the same for you.

Could it possibly be?

There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven--Ecclesiastes 3:1


There is a reason they call it "THE CHANGE." As in, not a change, but the change. The mother of all changes. No I don't think I can write about this, it is too painful. I have been on the other side of the change all my life. So far, I have dipped my toes in that river that takes me to the other side, and I don't much like how it feels.

It comes with certain symptoms that I remember seeing in my older female relatives. I am ashamed to say that I snickered when they suddenly bolted from the table, looking like might implode from the inside out. I am sure of one thing, I am much too young for this despite what I read on the Web MD. And if I hadn't read the symptoms? I would probably just have gone on denying it.

To make it worse, when I read some of these off to my very supportive best friend, she said, "That's nothing new, you've been that way ever since I've known you..." Ouch.

Usually once a night, sometimes more, I wake up and run for the freezer for my little handy ice wrap thingy. The other night I stumbled out there, the cats blearily looking at me, (they know by now that this is normal, and not time for food yet.)

I velcroed the wonderful coolness around my neck and feeling the chill,  fell back asleep. I really don't remember putting it on so tight, but I was really really hot. When I awoke awhile later it had lost it's coolness and felt like a warm boa constrictor. That set off a panic attack. I turned instantly clautrophobic and when I finally wrestled it off I had to laugh in spite of myself. What must I have looked like?

It was a tough night.

I just want to know why they call it Menopause, do Men go through the change too? Not that that is what is happening to me mind you.

One Little Word

"I was a stranger and you welcomed me......."

"That you may welcome her in the Lord in a way worthy of the saints......."

"The native people showed us unusual kindness, for they kindled a fire and welcomed us all........"

"Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house......."

It was only a simple little sign that said, "Welcome." My Aunt had tacked it up close to the place we'd park so we would be sure to see it when we came in. To really see that sign for what it was, you would have to understand the million painful steps of grief and stress it took to get there. The welcome behind that little sign said it all.......It meant finding a place of peace for a few short days. It meant, I am glad to have you here....you are wanted, appreciated. You are safe.

When you give someone a welcome, you have no way of knowing how great that impact will be. Or maybe you do. You never know what someone is facing, where they are on their journey or how far that journey has taken them. To someone, your welcome might mean that they can keep going on, that it's worth it....that they are worth it. And just maybe, our welcome is their last hope.

Welcome in our eyes, welcome with open arms, welcome with words of softness.

Being welcomed is like coming in out of the cold and led to a crackling fire and a steaming mug of something to wrap your hands around.

Being made to feel unwelcome is like being cast out into a raging storm. It can be the loneliest feeling in the world.

There is a world of people out there who are scarred and hurting from past rejection. They have learned not to trust, yet they really want to. And everytime we are kind, we are participants in healing over those old scars. And really, don't we all need some healing?

I will never forget the sting I felt when I was at a family gathering long ago. The mother couldn't remember my name and referred to me as "What's her name...." then they proceeded to go off to a different place and put their chairs in a circle. It was one of the strangest things I have ever experienced. I never want to make anyone feel like I felt that day.

And yet I know at times that I have.......God still has a lot of work to do on me.

And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’ Matthew 25:40

Just for today

I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. ¹³ No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us. Philippians 4:12-14

My prayer journal this morning:

Just for today, Lord, help me to embrace this day, knowing that each day holds hope with You. Help me not spend too much time in the past or future, for that robs the present. Too much time thinking about the path behind me leads to over-analyzing and regret that paralyzes my actions today. I want to see today in full color, Lord and not miss the moment.

And help me also, not to waste time worrying about the future. Try as I might, I can't see what's around the bend. And if I try to run ahead, I realize that is not part of Your plan. Every time you obscure what I am so desperately trying to figure out.

Help me to learn the lesson of the manna.......only enough for one day and one day only.

You have placed me right here in this present and it's no accident. You meant for me to be right here. In this decade, year, month......day.....moment.

These moments are manna.......while fluffy manna floating down out of Your hand, a precious gift.

I can eat my fill of everything you give me, right now today, and now that I will have enough tomorrow and the next, until I am where You are. Help me to honor you by staying in this present you have given me, and know that I can treasure the past and look forward to my future.

Knowing it is secure in You.

Grace Blows Through Our Days

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8

Not only that, He rose for us too......In light of those two facts, everything else in this life can be worked out. Some days are good mostly all the way through, but the average day holds a bit of everything mixed in. Just living in this world is a challenge. Yesterday was a hodgepodge but overall it was good. The usual worries cycled through my head on the way to work. I started to pray and stared off into the road ahead, my thoughts veer off as I hold study to the wheel.

The weather was beautiful and a bit cloudy, all the more beautiful since May and June are coming, and that's when the heat starts.  In my heart are the usual faces I send up into the throne of Grace.

I think of my brother, who works for The City of Stockton, a whole city on the brink of bankruptcy. He is caught like so many loyal employees, in the middle. Unsure of his job, unsure of his retirement, having to decide whether to let go and move on, or stay onbeard a sinking ship. A dear friend texted me yesterday, going through many hardships with a son, so much hurt, so much hardship, I could feel the pain in the middle of all the words flashing across my phone.....And my dear friend battling daily her own health issues as well as her Mom's Alzheimer's.....

And no matter how someone says, "It's not really them, it's the drugs.....it's the Alzheimer's.....it's the whatever" that's doing it, you still feel the betrayal, the indifference like a knife in your heart. You still feel the fatigue of moving through quicksand each day.

And yet.....there are moments of joy, moments of grace wound throughout our days. We know we are more than conquerors, after all, it's in the very lifeblood and DNA of our faith and it will not let us go. God gives us a supernatural hope that makes it possible to go on.....even be an encouragement to others.

There was an NPR article about the City of Stockton on the net yesterday and I felt a pang in my heart....so many good people who worked so hard to make a downtown, a marina, a beautiful park where people would want to come with their children, enjoy the weather, live life, and now it is all in jeopardy due to gross mis-management and politics and who knows what all else.

And when my brother got home to tuck into the meatloaf my Mom had made, she said he had a quizzical expression as he said, "Did you do something different to this?" Right away she knew what it was and burst out laughing. She remembered being sidetracked when she saw the syrup bottle on the counter right by the meatloaf. It was left out. And you know that when you have a special needs child around, you have to be on your toes. Lauryn had decided that the meatloaf needed a sauce.....a syrup sauce. In her mind it made perfect sense. Oh how I wish I could have been there watching her when she did it.

In the process, she gave her Daddy and Grandma, and me, when she told me about it last night, a good laugh.

And right then, we felt God's good grace in what a little girl did.

What is scattered in me....

 

Is someone among you in trouble? He should pray. Is someone feeling good? He should sing songs of praise. James 5:13

Let all who take refuge in you be glad. Let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, so that those who love your name may rejoice in you. For surely, Oh Lord, you bless the righteous; you surround then with favor as a shield. Psalm 5: 11,12

"In all things that I contemplate as I am consulting you, I find no secure place for my soul except in you. And in you, I pray that what is scattered in me may be brought together, so that no part of me may be apart from you.


Sometimes when you are working within me, bringing my scattered self to you, you draw me into a state of feeling that is unlike anything I am used to, a kind of sweet delight. I know that if this spiritual state were made permanent in me it would be something not of this world, not of this life...." St. Augustine, confessions 10

I started to write something below this quote but realized it is perfect just the way it is........No addition needed. Also, my dear Mom turns 83 today. I am so glad she was born, and not just because she had me! She is a miracle all by herself. I love you Mom!

I once was lost.....

“My people have been lost sheep.

Their shepherds have led them astray;

They have turned them away on the mountains.

They have gone from mountain to hill;

They have forgotten their resting place. Jeremiah 50:6

Ever feel lost? I had a lost day yesterday. I felt misplaced at my workplace. All this restructuring, tearing down walls, closing off areas, all in the name of reorganization. And it does look nice, very nice. I'd say it was a vast improvement, except I couldn't find anyone. Nobody sits where they did before. They are reshuffling us all. Soon we will be moving next door to a new building. This place where I have been for about 5 years new will probably be used for storage.....And the other day I came in and the landscapers had been here in our back patio. They removed many shrubs and moved our poor Intel cat's food and sleeping igloo so it was right out in the open. She was nowhere to be found.

I know how she feels.......I was wandering around looking for our admin yesterday too. I finally found her at the very end of the day. And Steve, my faithful good soul of a buddy, who takes care of the poor adandoned cats people dump in our parking lot, has also moved next door. I found him on the phone, it was good to hear a familiar voice.

In this life, it's easy to feel lost sometimes. Let's face it, we are foreigners here. It's like someone has shifted all the pieces of the puzzle and we have to figure out where we belong again. But then, my Father reminds me just where I belong. My place is forever secure, safely resting in Him. I know where I belong....but sometimes He has to remind me. He knows what a scary place this is.......

And what a comfort it is when He does remind me.

When everything around you looks or feels unfamiliar, remember where you belong. Settle back into His loving arms, and know that....

He will never let you go.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

image source: http://www.uproxx.com/

Lost and found peace.

"When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what are mere mortals that you are mindful of them, human beings that you care for them?" Psalm 8:3,4

that you care for me?

 

Yesterday was a no good, terrible bad day for me. I wanted nothing more than to go back home, tuck myself into a warm corner and pet my cats.

I wasn't getting any warm fuzzies from my work atmosphere. It was several things.

We found out the day before that someone from my group went out on a medical leave. That means I may have to work Christmas week. The week I planned to take off. The week I sacrificed my Thanksgiving for.

So right now I can't really plan anything until I find out.

I was irritable all day. I didn't want to be at work, or really be anywhere but home. Then about midshift as we were recovering from something else, we lost pressure in the factory. When that happens, my hyper-sensitive multimillion dollar tools log themselves down. I saw red on all 3 of my computer screens.......instantaneously.

In our world, as in most of the rest of the world, green is good, red means trouble.

Some days it seems nothing is settled. It is as if everything is suspended.....hanging in the balance. Unsettled.

That is how I felt yesterday, like someone snatched my peace away and I really wanted it back.

Despite how I was feeling.....I had to notice how beautifully the moon was peeking out from the clouds. It was like we were playing hide and seek all the way to my parking lot. It was yellow and full, and as always, it inspired reflection......What is it about the moon that does that for me?

Always awe, with a bit of melancholy thrown in. And always hope.

You can't stare at the sun for long, but the moon invites us to gaze long.

The sun blares forth it intentions.....to give light, and warmth. While the moon does more....she flirts and makes us fall in love. So quietly she comes out that at times we might even forget she is there, but then how stunningly she makes us remember! 

The moon brought me to work and reminded me that God is still in control even when nothing else is.

And this morning I was reminded again as I crossed the parking lot. As I glanced across the parking lot at the tallest crane in the Western hemisphere, where our new factory is being built, there she was again.

Peeking out through the bend in the crane, high up in the sky.

Reminding me that we can build our buildings and make billions of dollars but we can't place the moon just so in the sky.

That's control, that's God!  

When all other lights go out

In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. John 1:4, 5

There is no darkness so deep that the light of Christ cannot penetrate it. He is the light, in fact. Light originated with Him. There is nothing in our lives that is so dark, so powerful, so strong, that it is beyond His reach. There is nothing in me that He can't fix!

At times I tend to forget my greatest resource, especially when the darkness closes in around me. In times past my first instinct was to panic or try to figure a way out. Sometimes it still is. I am a bit quicker now to pray first, but many times I still get the order mixed up, panic, escape, with prayer coming last.

Love is patient.

One of the most memorable scenes for me in the  Lord of the Rings  was when Frodo was in that terrible dark cave with that awful giant spider. Let me tell you, as someone with a lifelong fear of spiders there could be no worse scenario for me.

I tried to force myself to watch it on the big screen. Oh, those awful eyes and creepy legs and then coming after him with that awful stinger! My favorite part was when good old faithful Sam came to the rescue with the light of Galadriel, which they had all along. I loved her line:

"May it be a light for you when all other lights go out."

Jesus is that light for us. He is the light of the whole world. In Him is no darkness. When Christ came, His light threw the shadows back on this old world forever. That is the hope of Christmas.

I think of this as I look at my lights out front, on the tree.

All of them symbols of the One and only true light.

And even though Jesus' cousin John was chronologically born first, John knew that Jesus existed long before he did. Was there, in fact at the very beginning of all things.

John testified concerning him. He cried out, saying, “This is the one I spoke about when I said, ‘He who comes after me has surpassed me because he was before me.’” John 1:15

"I thank you Lord, for being my One true light. You are my sanity, my healing, my joy, my everything. With You I have everything I need, without You I have nothing. Because of You my future is full of hope, never dread. And thank you for reminding me that nothing bad lasts forever, but only for a season, and even that, you are working out for my good."

Beating back the dark

This morning, I huddled in the crisp, cool darkness of the morning. I spilled out my worries. The same ones He always hears. I drew names out of my heart......

I whispered them and as I prayed I imagined them floating up.....up.....up toward that Throne.

The only One who matters, heard them.

Received them.

Then, after the spilling out of my cares was done. I figured I needed the serious praying posture. The head down and knees bent variety.....and no words except praise for Him who is worthy. Filling the silence I thought of the verses in the Bible that describe Isaiah's vision:

"In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord, high and exalted, seated on a throne; and the train of his robe filled the temple. Above him were seraphim, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. And they were calling to one another:

“Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty;
the whole earth is full of his glory.”

At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke.

There in the silence, I could almost hear it.

I discovered once again, that the best way to beat back the darkness is with praise.

It's the one thing I have found that never fails.



Going Deep

Sometimes I wonder why I am content to wade.........and I wonder how my life would look if I dared to go deep with God. I have gone deep before so I know how it feels. When things are good and I feel like I have things under control I tend to stay in the shallows. I read my Bible and pray, but just enough......

Then when I get desperate, I submerge myself in Scripture........Prayer........Calling out to God.....fasting.....And of course, He is there. He always answers. The truth hits home, for when are we ever not desperate in this life?

When do we not need Him? I wonder how my life would look if I truly lived by the Spirit's leading. If I listened to that quiet voice when it beckoned more often. 

What is it that prevents me from walking that close, that intimate with my Heavenly Father?

I guess it really comes down to fear of where He might lead, what He might ask....So much so, that I forget all the blessing that He assures me would come with it.

Then I remember that was the first sin of Adam and Eve.......He answered, "I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid. 

His love for the children of His creation led His steps to the Garden,

To the Cross.

He even went so far as to fill us with His Spirit so that we may never be without Him.

Shouldn't that be enough to convince me of His love? That where He leads I need never fear?

Yet sometimes I still fear. This life is full of it.

And still His Grace is with me, walking where I walk.

And someday, in that face to face place called Heaven we will walk again without fear in the Garden.

No separation, ever again.

The future is bright my friends.

You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand. Psalm 16:11

Holding onto the good

Joy and Peace in Believing by William Cowper

Sometimes a light surprises
The Christian while he sings;
It is the Lord who rises
With healing on His wings;
When comforts are declining,
He grants the soul again
A season of clear shining,
To cheer it after rain.
In holy contemplation
We sweetly then pursue
The theme of God's salvation,
And find it ever new;
Set free from present sorrow,
We cheerfully can say,
E'en let the unknown to-morrow
Bring with it what it may!

It can bring with it nothing,
But He will bear us through;
Who gives the lilies clothing,
Will clothe His people too;Beneath the spreading heavens
No creature but is fed;
And He who feeds the ravens
Will give His children bread.

Though vine nor fig tree neither
Their wonted fruit shall bear,
Though all the field should wither,
Nor flocks nor herds be there:Yet God the same abiding,His praise shall tune my voice;
For, while in Him confiding,
I cannot but rejoice.

I was looking for a poem about peace.......you see, today we are packing up and driving 12 hours to see family in California. Home.......

We have no idea how it will go. Elaine desperately needs a break from her Mom but that was not possible so she is going with us.

We are going in the Motor home and she has a tendency to get carsick.

She refused to go the other day and then decided she would.

Packed and unpacked 5 times.

We have Dramamine and patches. There are no illusions here. It will not be a true vacation, but sometimes you have to "get outta dodge" anyway.

I am praying for peace for all involved, and for a caretaker who is dangerously close to being at her limit. Actually I think she passed that by awhile back.

I will be in touch. Have laptop and camera, will travel.

We continue with Paul admonition to "cling to what is good."

Snippets of life

"you can kiss your family and friends good-bye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach, because you do not just live in a world but a world lives in you." — Frederick Buechner

This world is made up of little snippets of life....the life we live every day, made up of moment upon moment, memory upon memory. I look back at 20 years aghast, because I really don't know where it has gone. Time is passing by.......sometimes so fast it makes my head spin.
 
Writers and photographers feel a need, sometimes an urgent need to capture these moments of life, all the joy and beauty and pain, lest they be lost forever. Others live them as deeply as they can, so that the memory and the goodness can be taught and lived and passed on to others, like living beacons of wisdom, they catch life like a spark catches a dry timber. Others seem to glide by life and never notice anything....they remain untouched by it all.
 
Sometimes we think we see a glimpse of the future and we don't much like it, so we hastily immerse ourselves in the past or get real busy in the here and now. I got a little taste of this the other day at Border's standing in line along with all the other book lovers to cash in on their misfortune. I looked around and suddenly I thought of a world with no bookstores and I shuddered. Is this our future? Is Barnes and Noble next? A tremor went down my spine.
 
What kind of a world would it be? No public place to go to sip our coffee, cozy up by the window with a stack of books, sharing our treasures with friends. If that were gone, a very important part of our community would be lost. But then, a flicker of hope. Maybe this will be good for the little used bookstore on the corner.
 
Maybe this will bring the independent bookstores of my youth back. Well, I can dream can't I?
 
I don't think this would have impacted me like it did, except that I just finished a book called The Last Christian. The year is 2088 and everyone lives immersed in virtual reality, hooked up to what they call "The Grid." People don't travel much, they all schedule meetings in VR anywhere they choose. They don't read real books, the access them on the Grid.

They think this life is great, but they are all empty, joyless, for they have also eliminated God in this world they have created. They are much too advanced for God, you see.
 
Well happily, I can say that we are not there yet. Most of us are still immersed in the real world in all its glorious and living color. And God is still very much alive to many Americans, thankfully.
 
Yesterday was a strange day. I felt like I was walking around under a lid of oppression. I felt exhausted and mentally drained....worn out. I am worried about my Mom, who had another possibly cancerous growth removed from her leg. I automatically think the worst, knowing her brother died of melanoma. It makes me think of all the years I have been away from her and I wonder how much time we have left.
 
Yet I rejoice in what I know to be true, He has plans for us......and they are all good. "For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

and not only that..........For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

I love that, only the King James uses the phrase "sound mind."
Hope is alive in me because God's promise gives me a whole future of sound minded days......starting today.

Sleepless in Arizona

"Behold, He who keeps Israel Will neither slumber nor sleep." Psalm 121

I was pondering this fact early this morning when I awoke at 12:30 AM. If God does not sleep, I thought, then what does He do? He certainly doesn't need to keep the universe going. That was all set up long ago and He has no problem keeping it all running. That leaves one thing......He is watching over me as He watches over Israel. I can never catch Him by surprise. I never catch Him dozing off......Even as I toss and turn at 12:30 in the morning.

I heard the outdoor flag flapping in the wind, which had picked up. I heard my little outdoor decoration sliding back and forth on the wall. I got up and took them both down.....there was dust in the air. I came in and laid back down.......All was quiet except the cat snoring, fast asleep in his place on the bed.

After I determined that sleep wasn't soon to come, I burrowed through my pile of books by the bed until I found "Big Red." It is the Bible I always turn to when I need a special comfort. It has years in it. It holds them all lovingly in its pages. I turned to my notes in the back......notes from sermons, studies, things I have thought and read. My eyes fell on this printed in red:

Know how to meditate on the Lord. What do I do when I can't sleep? Do I quiet my soul and spirit with meditation on God or do I run for a sleeping pill? What am I to meditate on?

God's word........God's promises........the person of God

I continued thumbing through and thought about the years held there in those pages. It's about 34 years old now. I listened to the rustle of the pages and something about it quieted my spirit. I noted the changes in my printing style over the years, sometimes slanting left, sometimes right. Some of the notes are faded with time.

Most important are the words it holds. God's words to me, to all of us.

I turned out the light and rested my old friend on my chest and felt its weight and it felt good. I thought of all that precious book and God have brought me through. Saved my life more than a few times. Maybe more times than I know. I couldn't help it, a few tears of gratitude slid down, and I thanked Him. My heart slowed its beating.......my spirit calmed. Outside, the wind may have been blowing, but I no longer heard it.
I drifted into a peaceful slumber at 2:00 AM.

At times like that I think that maybe God just missed me and wanted my undivided attention.

Because God is Real

photo of clouds behind my house

People may ask, what does it matter what you do? What you watch? What you listen to? Does anyone really care? In this age of anything goes, does it matter anymore? It matters greatly because we greatly matter to God! It matters more than ever.

Not only is God alive to us, He wants to be involved in everything we do. He has a personal investment in us! It is the difference between feeling like a latchkey kid, always having to let yourself in the door at night, and being a kid whose parents want to know where you are and who you are hanging with. Not because they are busybodies, or nosy, or want to rule your life....but because they care and want the best for you.

Not only that, but He comes alongside and helps me back up when I fail miserably. He understands that I will, but because He looks on my heart, He knows my motive. He can see if love is what drives me or something else.

This morning I was tossing and turning......It was three o' clock and I had to get up at four. I rolled over after looking at the clock, and was glad I had another hour. But I couldn't go back to sleep. I tried the 23rd Psalm, that usually works to lull me back to slumber. But this morning I got stuck on lines. The first one actually.....

"The Lord is my Shepherd......the Lord is my Shepherd.......the Lord is my Shepherd".....Thoughts crash in like ocean waves......I wonder how much time I left with my parents, Dad is turning 83 this week.....what will I do if I get a phone call saying they are gone and I didn't get to say goodbye.....What is our President doing with our money? Will we have anything left to call our own after he gets done playing monopoly with it? Maybe I should sell everything and move into the RV and put my money in a coffee can.

I shall not want, I shall not want, I shall not want.......He maketh me to lie down in green pastures.

He leadeth me beside still waters.....

In Him, I have everything I need, and yet I toss and turn some more. I never go back to sleep. 3:10.....3:20.....3:50......

This morning, my first cup of coffee having cleared my head, I was thinking about Psalm 23 again. This image stayed with me. I pictured My Shepherd, His body laying down across the sheep gate in the night, the sheep gate of my life, my heart...... protecting the sheep (me) from preditors in the night.....

thoughts that go astray.......worries that won't sleep.

He says: "Don't worry, I got you covered."

Picture credit of sheep: Google images

Finding God from where we are

"Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." 2 Corinthians 3:17

My friend, who has become the caretaker of her parents in recent months, told me of a nightmare she had the other night. She said, "It was so terrible I didn't want to tell anyone about it." She was trapped in a pipe and she couldn't get out. She couldn't turn in any direction and couldn't go back or forward. She says, "The worst part? Everyone knew I was in there but nobody came to get me out." She looked at me and said, "That is exactly how I feel right now."

I know how she feels. Sometimes we are so trapped in our circumstances that we lose hope. People tell you to look at the picture, but the "big picture" has become blurry and out of focus. It no longer means anything. All you can do is think of where you are right now, and you don't see an end to it. That fact makes it hard to put one foot in front of the other.

You wake, still exhaused from the day before. Leftover stress. You wonder how to feel that freedom that you know is rightfully yours in Christ, because all you feel now is imprisoned in a cell without hope of parole.

There are few things I know for sure. One of them is, Jesus came so that we wouldn't have to feel that way ever again. Therefore if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed. John 8:36

After all.......we have the very same Holy Spirit that allowed Paul to sing hymns of praise while locked in prison. And it is that Spirit that gives us the freedom to have hope even in the midst of our circumstances, whatever they may be, however they try to enslave us.

As in this picture above, we see life and beauty on the other side, but we just  don't know how to get there. We feel that vision is for someone else, not us. Not right now anyway.

It is in that very moment God is asking us to seek Him. "But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul." Deuteronomy 4:29

I like how that verse is worded. God is saying that we need to seek Him in that very instance where we feel that hope is lost. That very moment when we are most overwhelmed and discouraged. Hope is lost when we begin to feel like we will end, before our present circumstance does.

Our old enemy wants us to think this way. His goal hasn't changed since the very beginning, to kill, steal and destroy. He knows he can't have our soul, so he does everything else he possibly can to steal everything else from us, including our hope and joy. That is exactly what happens when we look too far into the future. We read things into it...... think that things will always be the way they are now. Jesus knew how we are, that is why He had some very good advice.

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Jesus.

There is a way out.......Ask God to be with you in that moment and He will. He has promised it, and God can't ever go back on His word. He may not remove the circumstance, but He will provide you with peace in it, and give you more than enough strength to deal with it.

In order to counteract those other voices, we need to fill our thoughts with God's promises found in His word.

Get alone with God. Find some time for yourself. Even Jesus had to go off alone, many times.

Start the day determined to ask for strength for that day and that day alone.

Draw comfort from the fact that others are praying for you.

And last but not least, continue to tell God the things you are thankful for. Satan hates that most of all.

One step at a time.....

My days off have become a bit different. They used to be somewhat free-form and abstract, now they are more task oriented. I had tasks before, but now they are oriented around someone else, not me. When you take on the role of caretaker that's what happens. At some point in life we all find ourselves in that role. I think there should be a Caregiver's Anonymous Club. Alzheimer's and Dementia needs a special group all its own.

Yesterday I was exhausted by noon, and all of it was mental. I lay down and slept blissfully for about 30 minutes in the middle of the day......It was wonderful.

If someone had seen the flowing dialogue in my mind as I went through the day they would have thought, "Surely, this is no Christian." I drove 60 MPH in a 45 MPH zone because I was so anxious to be home. I said swear words in my head at other drivers. I found myself tempted to lie about what day it was because I knew she wouldn't know the difference in order to get out of Bingo. Don't worry, I didn't. The truth of the matter is that some people expect you to act like Joel Osteen all the time if you are a Christian. Truth be told, I bet he has his moments too.

The difference is, we have the Holy Spirit to help us in those times where we feel out of control. Someone to help us in our weakness. So we pray, we take some deep breaths, we confess our sinful thoughts, and we go on. Step by step, task by task. My Mom once confessed to a friend that she loved Vodka Martinis.....She gasped and said, "But you're a Christian!" To which my Mom said, "Yes, but that has nothing to do with my taste buds!" Precisely why she has never kept it in the house. She has been a caregiver all her life, and I am sure there are times when she would have liked to pour a stiff drink in the middle of the day. That's reality. God understands that, and that is why He knew we would need the help of the Holy Spirit, and each other.

Because sometimes life just gets a bit overwhelming.

That's why I sent out the prayer SOS yesterday morning. Thank you to the absolutely wonderful responses I got, (you know who you are). One of the best things about being in the family of believers is the wonderful prayer support. The day ended up much better than it started.....So, thank you.

"We always thank God for all of you and continually mention you in our prayers. We remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ." 1 Thessalonians 1:2,3

Clay jar or crystal pitcher?

"Give your entire attention to what is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." Matthew 6:34 The Message

I lost a day to worry. That opened the door to depression. Thinking about events on "the road ahead." I was bogged down and I couldn't see things clearly. I have touched on the fact that I am a worrier before. But Jesus commands us not to worry. This is a problem if I want to live for Him! I hate to think of the many moments and days I have wasted on events that may or may not happen. It all comes down to one thing.....When I worry I am living for myself and not for God. When I worry I am taking Him off the throne of my heart and life!  

Paul was having some discouraging moments dealing with the Corinthian church. He was right in the thick of things, not like me, worrying about things that haven't happened yet, he was fighting a real battle. I can imagine that he was in prayer, and God spoke to him about the clay jars lining the walls. I can imagine him feeling as humble and lowly as one of those jars. But God showed him how valuable he was and he spoke these very wise words......

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body." 2 Corinthians 4:7-10

Paul knew where his strength was, I forgot for awhile. A few weeks ago out of the blue I thought of a song that I sang years ago. I had totally forgotten about it, but as I remembered it tears sprang to my eyes. That particular time, life was simpler (or maybe it just seemed so)......I was young and life was not so complicated. I had yielded myself to God and I saw His power work through me in a way that I never forgot.While I was thinking of that song a beautiful image came to my mind, an image of a crystal pitcher with clear water being poured into it. I have wondered about it ever since. Then this morning I read this:

"Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb." Revelation 22:1 

I think He was trying to tell me that He sees me as that crystal pitcher filling with the water of life......His life. Most days I feel just like that little clay jar, humble, weak and scarred; yet He has poured His pure Spirit inside of me and even now is turning me into that Waterford crystal vase, sparkling with His life, reflecting His light for all to see. He sees me as the finished product already and wants me to see myself that way too!

This is the comfort I bring today......."For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." 1 Corinthians 13:12

If Paul can carry on right in the thick of the battle, I can surely carry on when the things I am worried about haven't even happened yet!