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When heavy hearts give thanks

Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus......1 Thessalonians 5:18


I have misheard and misunderstood this Scripture and caused myself much grief, packing a load on myself I was never meant to carry. I have had to remind myself that it doesn't say to be thankful FOR for circumstance, but IN the circumstance. So today, I offer up thanks to a God who is worthy of all my gratitude, all the time.

Thank you Lord that even when our hearts are hurting, the fountain of thankfulness still somehow keeps bubbling up. I woke up at around 2:30 and the first thing that popped into my mind was the line to the song that says:

Oh no, you never let go, through the calm and through the storm.......

Thank you for the twinkling lights outside my window for they remind me of what and who I am celebrating, and for the love of a friend who put them up when I know that all she wanted to do was put this Christmas on fast forward.....not the reason of it, for that she clings to, but all the stuff that goes along with it.

In her loss this season she still thinks of how she can make others happy, so she put the timer on so that I would see them when I left for work. That kind of heart is what makes the Lord happy.

That king of gratitude when it isn't easy is like shaking our fist in Satan's face.

Thank you Lord, for an Aunt who calls me even when she is going through her own kind of loss this year once again with her husband in a rest home....she misses her old life, but still she waves the flag of gratitude because she has her health and that she can see him each day.

And most of the time, he is in a good mood.

Thank you Lord, for the classical station that actually came in this morning as I was driving to work. Those notes filled out a hollowed out place in my soul that I didn't realize was there until I heard it. It lifted me, made me better somehow. I believe that's what good music should do.

And thank you that things at work are relatively calm right now. We are in between processes and winding down so I can have time to relax at my station and I really need that right now.

Especially now.

I feel fatigued today, Lord. I need those wings of eagles to lift me up.....in fact I can feel them now. I already feel better. And send a big eagle for Elaine. She needs one worse.

Sincerely, your girl.

I may as well be a leper

I see the look on their faces when I answer their question, “Where did you go to school?” Meaning college of course. Inwardly, I look down in shame, scuff my feet and blush crimson. “I don’t have a degree.” There is usually an awkward pause, “Oh……” I can imagine what they are thinking. They wonder how I managed to finagle a job here at Intel. One of the places where education is held in very high esteem, in fact, you can’t get hired here now without a degree. But back when I was hired, you could. And I did.



And now it’s seventeen years later…..and I sometimes think, I wonder when they will catch on and fire me.


And I always have to qualify it with something, like…”But I have had SOME college.” And I have, and I really liked it. My first course I got an A. I was so proud of that, I can still remember the feeling I had when I went to the board and saw it posted there. By MY name. A few years ago I took English 102 and I was sure the teacher’s main objective was to make my experience as miserable as possible. And I like English.


It was a battle, but I passed with a B and I think it killed her to give it to me.


I get the same feeling when people ask me if I have kids or….. Ahem….. grand kids, now that I am older. I feel somewhat branded by a sense of shame, like they will automatically think I don’t like kids. Nothing could be further from the truth. I have a niece who I would jump in front of a truck for anytime, anywhere.


Note: If you feel shame today that is either self imposed or pushed on you by someone else, either intentionally or otherwise, know that it’s from Satan. Jesus died and rose again to release us from that.


And really, people just want to understand. It’s easier to put people in a box and classify them. It’s too confusing for them otherwise. It complicates things. People don’t want to spend too much time figuring people out. And I really don’t blame them, I’m the same way. I like things simple.


So here’s the deal:


I don’t have a wonderful husband with three beautiful children, although if you do I think it’s wonderful. I believe healthy marriages and families make a strong and happy society. I believe in family values more than anyone I know.


I don’t have a degree of higher learning, although I think education is wonderful. If you are going for it, I am a little bit jealous and I wish I would have done it.


I do, however, have a wonderful home and a God who loves me and accepts me just as I am. I have lots of love in my life, including that of my family and a best friend and soul sister who I know would give her life for me without a thought. We do live in the same house, but we are not gay for those who may have wondered. Seinfeld moment here, let the reader understand if they have seen the episode.


I am a living testimony of a Mom who always said she didn’t care how far I went in school as long as I had a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, and for that I will be forever grateful.


My life is a living testimony of God’s provision and care because when my brand new husband died, God came near and never left my side by surrounding me with people who refused to let me go.


As I get older I get a bit wiser. I have learned to care more about what God thinks of me than strangers. I rest in the people who know me and love me, and when it comes right down to it, people are really too concerned about their own lives to pay too much attention to what’s going on in mine or yours.


Bein real today.

A fire engine for Christmas

Hey folks, follow me over here at Bibledude today to read my story......

When you feel stuck

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The Visitation

The wind blows wherever it wants. Just as you can hear the wind but can’t tell where it comes from or where it is going, so you can’t explain how people are born of the Spirit.” John 4:6

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Of Christmas trees and such......

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Just Believe

You have everything you need.....if you just believe........."Believe" from Polar Express

What is it about Christmas that has the power to evoke the tenderest of memories, our deepest longings, the faint possibility of hope when all seems dark? Come with me here for the rest......



An Ecclesiastes kind of day

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When Christmas seems impossible

 

 

 

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Random Saturday Thoughts

Random thoughts for your Saturday today......meet me here? I am switching over to WP and I am starting to post everything from there. Thank you for your patience!

Holiday Speed Bumps

"Slow down. Take a deep breath. What's the hurry? Why wear yourself out? Just what are you after anyway? But you say, 'I can't help it. I'm addicted to alien gods. I can't quit.' Jeremiah 2:25

Every year it happens. Either I am driving on the freeway or in a store and there will be a moment when I make a conscious decision not to join in the madness that seems to be picking up tempo all around me.

My heart beat slows.... I take a step back. It happened this past weekend when I was driving on the freeway and I had to slam on my brakes because people were driving even crazier than usual. I realized the fever pitch had started. Speed bump number one.

Then at the Mall, it happened again when I saw Santa's Village already set up taking pictures of the kids. I don't remember them starting that early last year. I saw Santa sprawled spread eagle in the chair looking bored to tears while the "elves" were like circus barkers trolling for customers. Really? I asked the same question I ask myself each year.

This is Christmas?  Speed bump number two.

And last night I had the mute button all ready for when the decibel level went through the roof on the commercials.

Don't get me wrong, nobody loves Christmas more than I do. I totally get into decorating the house and doing the baking, and I do love to buy gifts, but I don't go crazy.  And I will deck the halls and love every minute of it. There will be a tree in every room. In my bedroom, the tabletop Victorian, and in the office, the Southwestern tree. And Elaine has an ocean tree, decorated with while lights, mermaids, and shells. 

And in the kitchen, a tiny tree with plastic snowmen and snowflakes and other Christmasey type things. Have to be careful with that one, the lights are old and very hot and if it fell next to something flammable it would be a tiki torch in no time.

And then there is the main tree, which is a pre-lit 8 foot we found in a Costco return line one year....I am always amazed when the lights come back on each year. One year I threw my back out trying to stuff it back in the storage container. The first two sections were no problem, it was the last (fat) section that did it.

Never again will I try to do that alone.

Advent is coming.....I feel it in my heart. I am slowing down. I will make peace with whatever doesn't get done. I will not succumb to the alien gods of commercialism run rampant. I will however, enjoy every little moment God gives me before the calendar turns over yet again.

It will be over all too soon.

Gratitude as a way of thinking

 

"The LORD will guard your going out and your coming in From this time forth and forever." Psalm 121:8

As I went about from window to window the other night closing the house up, my heart was seized with gratitude.....of having a home to come to, a warm place and a refuge from the noisy world. "Why me?" I thought, "when so many others have no home, no place to go?" Safety for them is a far-off dream, something other people have.

I could have been born any place at all but I was born here in America. The land of blessing.

It's so easy to be Thankful when things are going well, but how thankful am I when things aren't?

Gratitude, as I have learned, is more than simply feeling grateful, it's a way of thinking. That no matter what happens, there is a reason for it because when we have God, we still have everything.

And it doesn't mean you are doing a happy dance when things are falling apart around you. It means that you know deep inside who is ultimately in control and that you trust in His love because He has already saved your life, past present and future.

And when that terrible thing happened He wasn't looking the other way.

And if you want to hear the best answer to a question I have heard so many people ask when prayers don't go their way? You really need to go here and read this gem, by Duane Scott.

The thing that causes hearts to go darker than anything else is Lack of gratitude........"For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. Romans 1:21

And today, I am also linking up with Ann at Holy Experience because she is the one that actually got me started with writing my gratitude down on paper and teaching me a new way to see.

Grateful for my home each and every day.......and that I have a job so I can help others.....for laughter in church.....friends at work who are like lights in the darkness......fixed cars that run like tops......thankful the driver behind me the other night was paying attention when the whole freeway stopped......formerly unknown people who I now count as dear friends thanks to FB, yes, FB.....pumpkin pie for breakfast......steaming cups of comfort to wrap hands around....being totally lazy on a day off.....a great day yesterday. #945-956

And for a great way you can build hope for children in Haiti, click on the Help One Now button on my sidebar, where just a little can go a long way. Blessings my friends, Lori

God in the Silence

 

 

 

 

Sometimes everything quiets down and we step out into the freshly laundered world, gingerly so as not to break the silence because we know it's sacred......

 

Sometimes, we get the grace to see everything as new as when it was first created.

And in that sacred silence that is part of the eternal, we feel the pulse of life.

 

He gives us the same wonder He feels.

 

Heaven and earth meet, and it is peace.

 

God lifts the veil.

 

 

The woods are lovely, dark and deep and I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep......Robert Frost

 

Photos by Carolyn Fulton

 

The Blessing

 Then little children were brought to Him that He might put His hands on them and pray, but the disciples rebuked them. But Jesus said, “Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of heaven.” And He laid His hands on them and departed from there. Matthew 19:13-15

"I am doing a new thing with Lauryn now before she goes to her class," my Mom said. "I lay my hands on her and pray a little blessing." She saw someone do this on one of her Sunday morning shows. "I thought, why not do it for her." So now right before she slings on her backpack and heads off to join her friends, my Mom holds both hands on a very fidgety child and says:

"The Lord bless you and keep you, the Lord make His face to shine upon you and give you peace."

She went on to say that the first time she did it, she was wiggling around a lot, wondering what she was doing. "But now," she says, "She expects it, and I think she likes it a little." I verified this with my own eyes when I was there. She got this little mischievous smile that I caught on camera right after the prayer.

What a blessing to have a Grandma who prays for you...........and the laying on of hands? The Bible encourages it.

My Mom paused in her activity and said........"Do you remember how you and I prayed before school by the fire?" Of course I do. I told her I blogged about probably more than once, and I know I have thanked her more than once too.

How could I ever forget those times? Just she and I in the warm glow of the firelight. She praying for a very unhappy teen aged daughter because she just didn't know what else to do. I can still hear how she sounded, and feel her work-worn hands of love in mine. It makes me want to cry for the gratitude of her.

And it's not like you are really praying for safety, because things do happen, despite the prayers before going out. It's more like a release. It's a way of saying:

I give you to the Lord, and no matter what happens, we will be okay.

And we will.

For this reason I remind you to kindle afresh the gift of God which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline. 2 Timothy 1:6,7

Why I took a break, and why I'm back

Sometimes the blogging world gets noisy. And sometimes you even forget why you blog. And you go to a post where you feel you have held your heart out to the world...painfully so, and you get no comments. And you are disappointed. Even though you know you aren't writing for:

Accolades......Comments......Validation.....and those are all good things, that was never my motivation.

And you read all these wonderful other blogs, and you feel like your voice is just one more and it's not quite as beautiful, as esthetically pleasing....as skillful, as creative....fill in the blank.

A scribbling on a blank piece of paper could save your life, if it is just what you need to hear in that moment. 

I have also been mad at the "blogger" platform. Different reasons. All of a sudden my playlist didn't work. It won't start playing right when you open my blog. I thought I had it set up to do so, but I still can't get it to work right.

When I noticed myself scrolling to comments right away? That's when I knew I had lost my way. I needed to remember Who I was blogging for and why I started in the first place.

Only three reasons, but they are big ones. God, the Word, and You the readers.

I have been going through some changes myself, and no doubt this blog will change with me. Change is a good thing. But the one thing about this blog that will never change is the message. It is a little four letter word but it means the world.....and it's what the world needs right now:

Hope.

And I realized another thing. My little voice means something, and so does yours.

And after all, how many voices are too many for praise to the living God?

This year has been tough, and it still is. Going on two years of care taking and it takes its toll no doubt about it. But Elaine and I are still laughing despite the circumstances. And now I am going through some other things personally, physical changes which I have talked about here.

And even when the moods are incredibly dark? The amazing thing is that at unexpected moments I have this absurd joy. It just won't stop, because God has me. And He has you too, no matter what else is going on in your life. Because each and every one of us has circumstances we have to deal with. Those will never go away.

But neither will God.

That, my friends is my main message. And this morning, as if to highlight what I was feeling, this song came on and it said: Let my life song sing to you.

Let my life song sing to you. And you and you.

And like those stones along the road to Jerusalem that would not be silent?  I will never ever stop praising Him, because He is worthy.

A Little Blog Break

 

“If you’re really looking for answers, look past me. But if you’re interested in how I got to where I am, I will be as honest as possible.”
– Rich Mullins

Dear readers, I treasure you.....I am taking a short blogging break. I will be back soon, I promise. Feel free to browse through the archives!

Two to a car

 

 

 

But You, O Lord, are a shield for me, My glory and the One who lifts up my head. I cried to the Lord with my voice, And He heard me from His holy hill. Psalm 3:3,4

 

This morning I went out to pray like a monk, I was glad there was a hood on my sweatshirt, because all of a sudden it has turned cold.....cold for here anyway. As I lit my "prayer lantern" I sank into my chair and bowed my head. There are so many things I am thankful for, why do I feel such despair at times? I have a good job and people who love me. I am doing some writing and there are actually people who get something out of what I write. I am constantly surprised by joy over that.

 

But there is another thing I have been fighting, and it's a big one. I hesitate to even write about it because I don't think I can put it into words. And yet I must because writing is my way out....my way up.

 

I've been fighting this thing. It's called "The Change." There is a reason they call it that. I wondered and wondered why I have felt this way and it suddenly hit me.

 

I am grieving. Grieving who I was before.

 

Who has taken my old happy life and what have they done with it?

 

As it hit me, tears gushed. And part of it was the relief of knowing. The other part is the not knowing. I don't know what waits on the other side of this tunnel. Every now and again normalcy touches down and I breathe a sigh of relief.

 

My faith holds me now. I howl like a wounded animal on the inside because I don't want anyone to hear.

 

I walk down the Christmas aisles at the store and I want to cry. Pumpkin pie filling makes me cry. People being kind to me makes me cry.

 

I drive on the freeway and I feel the white heat of anger lashing out. I call unsuspecting people all kinds of names they don't deserve. They are just trying to get home, after all.

 

I am losing what I fought so hard to get back when I starved myself.  The part of me that was always a reminder of health.....possibility....promise....life.

 

How do you let go of something you have had all your life? And who will I be on the other side of this.....will it make me less than I am right now?

 

How do you go about going through a change that will usher in the last phase of your life, especially when you still wear Miss Me jeans and buy your clothes in the junior section?

 

I got up and wiped my nose on my sleeve. And God gave me something, just a little vision of hope. I was sitting on the little train I used to ride at the Santa Cruz beach boardwalk. It was two to a car....And in the seat beside me: Jesus rode.

 

And He promised he would be with me all the way through. And I know He will, He's a man of His word. Yes, there is much comfort in two to a car.

 

“Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5

(Re)acknowleging my Desperation

Today, Lord I acknowledge my desperate state before you. Anything less means I am walking around in a state of delusion. When things are going well, it is so easy for me to think I have things under control. That I don't need you quite as bad as when circumstances are:

unpleasant, painful, spiraling out of control.............But the truth is, I need you just as much and in just the same measure every single day.

Sometimes I act like a person holding up a golf club in the middle of a lightning storm. I flirt with the world, I skate on the edge, I get too close to swinging the doors wide open that should remain closed.

And I shouldn't. Forgive me, precious Lord. Thank you for remembering my dust. Help me to never take advantage of your good grace. I acknowledge again that though you are completely Holy, you are not waiting up there to strike me down when I fail, but waiting with an arms open kind of love.

And forgive me for asking you once again to deliver me from things you have already set me free from. Sometimes I have amnesia. You are infinite Love. I remember again and again the great length you went to save me.

All the way from Heaven to earth.

Goin back to the foot of the cross today.

The Flip Side of Sadness

Last night I had some company. First to show up in my dream was my cousin John with the crazy staccato laugh, huge heart and endless pranks. He and his brother George were always up to something. When they were little, they asked my Aunt Esther if they could decorate their rooms for Christmas. After she told them they could they scooped up buckets and bagfuls of brown pine needles and covered the floor and everything else in their room.....Join me here at Bibledude for the rest of the story.....